Chiconky

The salad that defied logic

2012-01-26T20:48:00.001-08:00

I refuse to allow picky eaters in my kitchen. That doesn't mean that there aren't any in my house, just that we don't talk about it. And our kitchen rotation is pretty predictable. Tacos, spaghetti, chili, meatloaf, and all the baked meats (pork chops, chicken, etc.). Every once in a while I'll throw something new in there, but rarely does it go over well. BUT...

One of my attempts to broaden my family's horizons was to add couscous to our pork chops, in place of the usual rice or potatoes. But I made way too much and ended up with not one but two big pyrexes-full of cooked couscous. I didn't want to toss it, so I checked allrecipes and found an awesome looking couscous and black bean salad. I knew my family would probably tolerate it, and I figured the leftovers would make good lunches.

I made a couple of changes, subbed green pepper for green onion because I misread the recipe, left out the corn because I forgot to buy it, and added chicken, garlic powder, and avocado. (I also doubled the dressing on advice of about a million reviewers).

Y'all? They LOVED it. Every single one of them. Eli scarfed a bowl and a half before I even sat down and kept going on and on about how we could make it again, add the corn, have this again, this is so good, Mama! It's like a culinary miracle.

Big ass TV

2012-01-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

For ten years, C and I have had the same argument about TVs. He always thinks we need a bigger one and another in the bedroom. I've always said that if we wanted to live in a movie theatre, we would probably pay less rent. He's slowly upgraded our one, in the living room TV from my tiny TV/VCR combo, to a hand-me-down 20-something inch, to the "BIG" purchase of a flat screen when Eli was born (aka our first child tax credit). But I've managed so far to keep it from a) being ridiculous and b) moving a television into the bedroom.

Fast forward to our most recent adventure. Driving back from Prison City, again, and C is going on and on about how he wants the new house set up, how the kids' toys will finally be kept in place since he'll be home (oh, the underlying message there just kills me, but choose your battles and so on), and how we're going to "need a better TV." I couldn't handle it, too much talking and arguing and debating and on and on and on, so like any stressed out woman I passive-aggressively said, "You know what? I don't care. Do whatever you want. I'm just tired of talking about it." Yep, this'll teach me. Behold.

That's a tv in the bedroom

And that's a big-ass wall mounted TV. With surround sound. Hooked up to several game systems.

And this is a very happy (and fuzzy) C. So there's a little benefit.

Thoughts on the new job

2012-01-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

My new unit was described to me using the words "unique" and "urban." Read into that what you will, but we are essentially housed in a repurposed unit and do a lot of making-do. Our office is in the dining hall. Our nurses sit at card tables. It's awesome and totally ridiculous. I think I'm going to love it.

The staff at this prison is much older than the staff at my old prison. On one hand, it's very weird to be the youngest, and obviously so. I went to the tech department Wednesday to figure out a computer issue and the guy was scrolling through looking for my name. He landed on it, but then said, "Wait. You're not a psychologist. What did you say your name was?" When I assured him that I was a psychologist, he asked if I was sure. Seriously. So the other staff have a lot more experience under their belts. I spend a lot of time pretending to know what they're talking about.

This job is hitting some of my insecurity buttons, but I'm also really excited about the potential. At old prison, I knew what I was doing and I was good at it. I was fast and efficient and could bluff my way through most things. There was little oversight of my work and because we were all at the same stage, career-wise, we didn't challenge each other much. My new supervisor asked me to send her all my notes at the end of the day (maybe indefinitely?). At first I was a little offended. I've done all my "supervised work" and the state of California says that I'm competent enough now to work alone. But then I got feedback today on my notes, and it is good. She called me out on parts I pencil-whipped. She respectfully commented on my clinical assertions. She pointed out things I flat out forgot. And she did it all in a way that didn't feel like she was belittling me or attacking my abilities.

I applied for this job months ago, when the layoffs first were announced. One of the things I outlined for my job search was that I wanted a job that would allow me to thrive and excel, that would challenge me to be better. I was good at my old prison, but I think that this new experience is going to make me so much more. I needed a good kick in the butt, and I think I've found it. I am so, so glad it doesn't suck.

Syd's new trick

2012-01-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

OMG. Y'all, this one's going to give me palpitations. Her new trick is to climb up on the coffee table or one of the footstools and DIVE onto a chair. She has absolutely no fear of heights or falling or blood or cracking her skull.

And she looks adorable doing it, which doesn't help.

On the topic of unhelpful but adorable things this one comes up with, she walked into the living room last night and said, with a huge smile, "Hello Boys!" I think C just about choked.

Out of the closet

2012-01-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

What's one person's guest room closet, I see as a perfect sewing "nook." It's deep enough that I can put my chair in there and close the door when we have company. On the other side is my craft boxes and fabric stash. I'm on the lookout for a cool inspiration board and lamp to put in there. This makes me so super happy, in a secret garden sort of way :)

Moving update

2012-01-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

Thank you guys for your sweet words/calls/posts and for tolerating my super-whiny post. The move is going much, MUCH better now. We've got heat and hot water, internet, and I've located some of our essentials. We all have toothbrushes and toilet paper now. C and my dad arranged the furniture while I was at work today so coming home it was like a real house and not a storage unit. The kids' bunkbeds are up and totally adorable.

Eli is kicking butt at his new school. I can't tell you how happy it made me to have him run into a hug today and then yell, "Mama! I had an AWESOME day at school!" I was so worried about this whole traditional classroom thing, but this kid has rocked it. Seriously, now the biggest thing I'm worried about is what to send for snack.

I had my first day of work today. As usual, the jury's still out on what I think. I'm working in a "temporary" unit (though it's been operating for years) and the office space is less than steller. As in, "If you get here early you can get a computer, we all sit in the dining room" less than steller. But the job itself seems awesome, and I'm looking forward to meeting the inmates.

I have a ton of pictures to upload so expect and photographic journal of our move. It's pretty adorable stuff.

Whiny moving vent

2012-01-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

I hate moving. Nothing's working like it was planned, we're way behind, I feel like I'm bleeding money, and there's no heat or hot water at our new house. I'm stressed out and tired and ready for a little normalcy. Eli starts school tomorrow and he has to wear dirty jeans because I couldn't find the box with his clothes.

Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T21:57:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning, two sleepy and clingy babies in my arms, to find a HUGE pile of dog shit in my living room. And not the easy "bag and scoop" kind. I'll spare you the details but just know 1) I'm awesome and 2) dustpans were a genius invention.

Leaving that, and the lovely aroma that accompanies it (mind you still wiping sleep from my eyes) I sniff and realize that my kitched smells like barbeque sauce. Like, REALLY smells like barbeque. And we haven't had anything close to that in weeks. A thorough (meaning I sniff-sniffed all over my kitchen) examination unearthed an entire bottle of liquid smoke draining in my fridge.

And then it was 7:00.

The rest of the day was really dedicated to saying goodbye to our amazing daycare and all the wonderful women that work there. First I dropped the kids off. Then C and I went back at lunch to bring treats and take pictures. Then we went back after naps/recess to pick everyone up. Syd's teacher, who's had her since she started daycare, was a mess. And then I was a mess. And then we dumped all the leftover cupcakes face down in the lobby. And then more tears. They have been so amazing, and came into our lives at just the right moment. I'm going to miss them all so very very much.

Today was hard. But today was also pretty awesome because now the hardest part is over. We've said our ugly-cry good-byes. Now we're looking forward, and emotionally we're able to start being excited and to plan and dream and fantasize about what this next chapter is going to mean. I know that we're going to love Prison city. I know it's a much better fit, and there are just so many things about this place that I don't like (racism, toxic air, safety issues). But we have met AMAZING people here.

Picture = 1000 words

2012-01-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

Progress

2012-01-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

The give/donate/sell pile

Taking quite literally "If it's not in a box, it's not going"

So many boxes...

Because hearing about other people's crap never gets old

2012-01-08T20:31:00.001-08:00

Today I started to tackle the garage, which is where we put all the boxes we were too lazy to unpack from the last move. I'm about halfway through, but so far I've accumulated
1 box of books that will come with us (including my Little House series from the early 80s)
3 boxes of barware. Sorry if I ever made you drink your cocktail out of a sippy cup. Turns out I do have grown-up glasses.
1 box of Mr. Potato Head pieces (no potato) and Little People farmers. WTF?
3 boxes of text books and my dissertation transcripts. Had a minor panic attack and then scrapped the lot of it. That was pretty awesome. (Still kept my "informational copies" of assessments though. Budget crisis and all...)
Eleventy bazillion boxes of baby clothes. OMG, turns out you get a lot less sentimental after you have the second one. I was literally forcing myself to find things to save.

Looking at this huge pile of give/donate/sell I'm tempted to try to run a quick garage sale either before we leave or in the week or two after. I'm thinking a "Name Your Own Price" sale. I'm trying to decide if it's worth it, or if I'm better off taking the tax write-off. (Thinking about taxes makes me feel super old, btw.) I'd love to hear any opinions. What would you do?

Moving lesson of the night

2012-01-07T21:45:00.000-08:00

You know all those super adorable, OMG! How Precious!, my baby is such a genius pieces of art that you bring home from daycare, then throw in a box to eventually "organize and preserve"? Yeah, you should totally write the date on the back of those construction paper masterpieces. Otherwise you'll be faced with some hard decisions later down the road. Like making up dates.

Also, I've decided that preschool teachers WAY overuse the glue-and-tissue-paper medium.

Adventures in moving

2012-01-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

One of the lesser-thought-of bonuses of moving is that there's some inate feeling that you must eat all the food that's been collecting in the deepest recesses of your freezer and pantry. I've refused to buy food until we go. Unfortunately, I think we are getting much better at eating what we buy, because as I looked in the cabinets tonight (a week before we move) our options were pretty limited. And after tonight it's not getting any better. Tonight we're having a chicken casserole made of seven leftover chicken tenderloins, the very bottom of two bags of frozen veggies, and two boxes of stuffing left over from Thanksgiving. Plus sour cream and a cream of...soup. Tomorrow it's either bastardized fish sticks (using frozen fish and shake-n-bake) or some bean thing. Thoughts or ideas?

The CRAZY

2012-01-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

Today I wrote checks for
-Rent and deposit on the new, more expensive house
-Daycare, including a week I apparently forgot to pay months ago.
-Rent for the house we're in

And soon I will write a check for the pretty impressive speeding ticket I got, while driving back from Prison City, again, and driving way too fast because I was all pissed off about a fight C and I were having about how to use the space in the new, more expensive house. A totally ridiculous fight, of course.

Last night I had a conversation with C about how I needed to clean the bathrooms before we moved out and "nevermind, I'll just take care of it." I don't remember any of it, because I was sleeping.

Yep. Totally crazy. Lord help us.

I want to be like Bob

2012-01-03T20:22:00.001-08:00

On New Year's Eve, as we were driving to a "family friendly" NYE party (that ended up involving a lot of alcohol and a bonfire), we were rocking out to Syd's new Ziggy Marley CD that Santa brought. This got C and I talking about what it must have been like to grow up with Bob Marley as your dad. In our imagination, Bob would've been the kind of dad that was super-super supportive and enthusiastic. You want to be a super-hero? Let's make a cape and develop your powers! You want to be an accountant? You account the crap out of those numbers! You want to dye your hair purple and perform interpretive dances? Rock on! Essentially, I'm picturing him as the kind of dad that would be the biggest cheerleader in the stands, or who would sit quietly next to you in meditation.

I want to be like that. With my kids, of course, because I feel like the world is full of people saying "can't" and my kids deserve at least a couple people saying, "why not?" but also with the people around me. I've been feeling a wee bit insecure these past few months, and that triggers an ugly side of me that's competitive and snarky. I don't like the snarkiness, or the places that the competitiveness drives me. I don't like living in that skin, and as one of my favorite pinterest pins says, "If you don't like where you are, change. You are not a tree." I want to be the person that says "Hey, I might not do it that way, but rock on. How can I help?" I want to be truly open-minded and to allow people to shine as they are. I want to see other people's desperate attempts to elevate themselves as just that, instead of personalizing it and attacking back. I want the light that comes from quiet confidence and peace.

So while in past years I've made very specific "SMART" goals, this year I'm being vague. I want to be more love and less insecurity. It's my mantra. As of today, it's been a struggle, but it's also another reason that I love the idea of all these changes happening in the next couple of weeks. New place, new home, (re)new attitude.

She saw the camera and did this...

2012-01-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

One down, eight bazillion to go...

2012-01-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

We got a house.

Man, it feels good to say that. It was getting a bit dicey there for a second. Our new town is small, but about 30 highway, traffic-free, minutes from a pretty large city. In my own version of "convince myself the world is fair" I had decided that since I had to move, and since my new prison is actually in a decent town, I was not commuting. We set our max distance at 15-20 minutes. C and I drove up there last week to look at areas and get the ball rolling, and found that our choice 1 of suburbs (not the prison city but close, and more affordable) was too far away. It was easily 30 minutes, on surface streets, in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. And it wasn't cute. Prison city is cute. It's got an adorable downtown, lots of walking paths and hiking trails, and is one of the safest cities in California. It just felt like a good fit. BUT. There were only two houses in the whole city that 1) would fit us and 2) we could afford. One was right in the middle of our budget and literally four minutes from work. The other was at the higher end of our budget, a little further away, but much nicer. Much, much nicer. We couldn't get ahold of the agent but left several desperate messages about how much we wanted to talk to her about the house. She called just as we hit the half-way point home, so the kids and I went back on Saturday to look at the house/charm the agent. She warned me that she had two other applications and was not a huge fan of the dog, but we went ahead and put in an application. I drove home with the worst pit in my stomach. If this house didn't work we could try for the much older, but cheaper house, or we'd have to start thinking about looking at smaller or further away. I think defensively, I started to simultaneously degrade the house and characterize it as the best. house. ever.

This morning she called to tell us that it's ours if we want it. C and I both let out audible sighs of relief, then led the whole family in a very dignified, definitely not involving booty shaking, happy dance. It just feels so. freaking. good. to be able to cross that off of our list. I still have to pack, register Eli for school, change addresses, set up utilities, sell my swingset, scrub my house, use up all the food in the freezer... but we have a freaking house! And it's a pretty sweet little place.
I went to get my haircut today (with my whole family, because we're awesome and now we look super cute) and was talking to the lady about the new year. Despite the hassles and uncertainty with all the layoff/transfer stuff, I think it's pretty cool that we get to start 2012 with a new town, new job, and new family dynamic (more on that later, not pregnant.)

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

And a blast from the past

Here's to an awesome 2012, full of adventure and fun. All my love to our family and friends!

And it begins

2011-12-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Christmas!

2011-12-27T21:28:00.000-08:00

Eli loved taking pictures all weekend. I see a camera in that kid's future.

I told myself that I wasn't going to freak out until after Christmas was over, and I stayed true to my word. We had an amazing Christmas weekend. Every year since we moved to California we've gone to Yosemite on Christmas Eve Eve. Knowing that this might be our last year, and we made the most of it. It was amazing! We stumbled upon a choir at the Awahanee (a super fancy lodge) and the kids were thrilled to hear that Santa was on his way. Definitely our best Santa experience yet. No laps still, but Syd didn't claw my face trying to get away, and Eli was brave enough to reach in and take a toy (stuffed squirrels! Adorable!) from Santa's bag.

Plus, for the first time in years you could get to Tenaya Lake. It was completely frozen over, so Eli was able to finally test out the skate-trainers my boss lends us every year. Syd loved sitting on the sled and playing with the ice.

We came home and gorged ourselves on spaghetti and meatballs. Eli schemed how he was going to stay up and see Santa, but decided "not to risk it" after we told him that if Santa knew he was awake, he wouldn't come. Which meant no presents for him OR Syd. He compromised by asking if he could stay up later than Sydney. Then crashed about ten minutes after he left cheese and crackers out for Santa, because he figured that Santa probably needed something more substantial than just cookies (and he ate the last one).

I want to dress them alike every day

In the morning Eli was up at 5:30 whisper-begging to either get up or watch a cartoon (OMG. Totally a post for another day but the kid is obsessed. Like 12-step obsessed.). C made him wait until 6:20 to get everyone up, and luckily Syd woke up at about 6:15. We all trooped down the hall to find that Santa had brought Eli "THE SPIDERMAN HOUSE!!!!!" and Syd had a brand new, very pink, shopping cart and Abby Cadabby doll (the first of many babies of the day).

The skirt was a hit! So were the blocks and the wood peg people, but I forgot to take pictures. I'll try to get one soon. The people have already become well traveled and segregated into "cool guys" and "everyday guys." I've been chastised for not including a Black Ranger. So overall, total win.

We finished off the day with a family viewing of Captain America, popcorn, and apples. Absolute perfection.

Turns out Christmas ended at 7:00, because that's when the freaking out commenced. I was hit with an almost unbearable need to take down all the Christmas stuff and start packing. I resisted, mostly because we had company, but did wake up and put together all my packing supplies. In a box. With a sharpie. And I feel a little better.

Everyone agreed this was one of the best ones yet. No one projectile vomited all over the room, we had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see an amazing lake and play on the ice, and Christmas itself was easy and perfect. Homemade Christmas was a huge hit. My dad asked me, "If money wasn't an object, would you do it again?" After not-much thought at all, I said that I definitely would. This year I enjoyed the gifting process. I put a lot of thought and effort in, got to work my creative muscles, and I never once had to go to Target.

How was your Christmas?

Sibling gifts

2011-12-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

Eli and Sydney got in on homemade Christmas too. It was pretty awesome to see Eli especially put thought and effort into Syd's gift. He came up with the idea, and did most of the execution. So adorable!

Syd made Eli a t-shirt

(the tie originally said "Best Brother Ever" but the sentiment got lost in the art)

Eli asked to make Syd "a little skirt. Like a ballerina. A red one."

They both worked together on C's (idea from Pinterest). The road is on the back, so when they drive on it he gets a back rub :)

So freaking cute. I can't wait until Christmas.

Got the letter (FINALLY!)

2011-12-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

We're headed to Choice 2. We're both a little disappointed, but also excited to move forward and put all this uncertainty behind us. Plus Choice 2 has an IKEA, so you know I'll be rocking that :)

So yeah. Next adventure? Moving a family of four, a dog, and an enormous cat to a new city in 30 days. Aaaaannnd... GO!

WTF?

2011-12-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

Y'all. My stupid letter didn't come today. Other people got theirs, but I haven't gotten mine. The chiefs at work have a list, but it's confidential and they have instructions not to inform anyone of their placement before they receive the letter. I do know that I was matched and have a transfer, but I don't officially know where. It was "suggested" that it's Choice 2, but that was all very cryptic and vague and now I keep replaying every comment every person made today. C and I talked, and no matter what people say, it won't be "real" until we see it on paper. I'm so frustrated right now.

The good news is that I and most of my co-workers were placed. That means we have jobs. Most of my co-workers got their first choices, which means most of them don't have to relocate. Both of my top choices involve relocation, which brings us to the bad news.

According to other people (who have their stupid f-ing letter in their hand), the transfer comes with a hard (read "non-negotiable") start date of January 18th. Giving me 32 days to pack and move.

So yeah. Freaking the freak out.

Not yet

2011-12-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

No letters yet. Supposedly there was "official confirmation" that the letters were sent out yesterday. There's also a list of "numbers but no names" that suggests that most, but not all of us, got matched to a site. The list also suggests that most of my co-workers' first choice (because of it's commutability) got several new psychs but didn't fill all their spots. This is good because it suggests that everyone who wanted to go there will. My first choice is less clear, so I may be good, or I may have to go to my second choice. Hopefully we'll know tomorrow. Both choices are good, and I will be grateful to have a job, but I'll be sad if I get my second choice. Some new information has come out that makes Choice 2 a little less appealing, but I'm trying not to focus on that. So good thoughts, wishes, prayers, etc. would be appreciated. Longest. Week. Ever.

Tick tock

2011-12-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

Waiting waiting waiting. The theme for this week is "Nervous Energy." We all filled out our voluntary transfer options a few weeks back, and the packet stated that we "would be notified the week of December 14th" whether we were able to get a transfer and where. So now it's the week of December 14th. There was a rumor, based on other weird things happening, that the letters were being sent out last Friday. Saturday I literally ran INTO (as in, with my face) the mailman's truck and ripped the mail from his hands. Yesterday was okay, I think because C and I finally got through our "take out all our stress on each other" so we were in the lovey, teamwork rocks! make-up haze. But today. Oh today. At work we all compared notes to see who's mail came earliest (damn my route! Our mail doesn't get here until around six) and we all crowded around the guy with the earliest time's phone, waiting for his wife to call. Of course, no letter today. Conspiracy theories abound based on staffing models, other people's rankings, even the wording of "the week of December 14th." "What does that mean? Why would they choose that day? The 14th is a Wednesday..." Crazy people, all of us. Though I still really want my first choice, at this point I just want to know so that we can get on with our lives. And it'd be nice if I could stop stalking my mailman. He's sweet and all, but I'm pretty sure he's getting the wrong message.

Felt board Christmas tree

2011-12-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

I found a pretty good size piece of green felt in the remnant bin (I'm obsessed with the freaking remnant bin. It's a sickness) a few weeks ago and just couldn't leave it. I figured I'd come up with something to do with it. *Cue Hoarders soundtrack* This morning, faced with another day of cleaning the house like a modern-day Sisyphus, I decided we'd use it to decorate. Five minutes later, literally, we had a Christmas tree! The kids were entertained by it for a good half-hour, which in our house makes it a total success.

In hindsight, I probably should've ironed the felt. Live and learn...

Syd especially likes rearranging the ornaments

I love this picture so. freaking. much.

Syd says, "Touch my tree and I'll cut you. I mean it." Girl is mean.

Overcompensating

2011-12-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

for a week of dinners that included frozen meatballs and PB&J?

Or MOST AWESOME MOM EVER! ?

Kicking the Dog

2011-12-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better. I took a long weekend and went with the kids to visit my dad and step-mom on the coast. I came home and prioritized all the "must-do's" "want-to-do's" and "Chick, are you crazy?s" Work, though frustrating and not all that conducive to not freaking the fuck out, is fine. I'm embarrassed to say that my work quality has dropped, but to be honest, a lot of the time I just don't care. It's hard to get passionate about change when you know you'll likely be leaving very soon. But I go, and I get my stuff done, and occasionally, like today, I have a really good day and do really good work. We're getting through. We should find out next week if/where we're going to transfer. We have a pretty good chance of getting into one of our top two, both of which would be great, (fingers crossed for my first choice cuz it would be AWESOME!) but more than anything I cannot wait to be out of this holding pattern.

One of the things I realized while I was gone was that I've been taking an awful lot of stress out on C. Too much. If I'm being honest, the poor guy has been my punching bag (figuratively, of course) for the past few weeks. Freud described it as "displacement" but all through school I've always thought of it as "kicking the dog." Essentially, you take out your anger and frustration on a less threatening target. I can't go to work and rage and be pissy and pout. So I come home and treat my husband like crap, resenting him for not magically knowing what I wanted him to do. Really not my finest moment. I'm trying to remember that he's going through this too. He's stressed out. And sometimes I'm a crazy person.

He's a lucky, lucky man

Fifteen minutes

2011-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

It's 8:30 in the morning and today sucks. No, it capital "S" Sucks. It's one of those days where things just snowball, until you realize that there's really no way to turn it around. I woke up to my alarm at 5:00, only to find that I couldn't turn it off because there were too many people on top of me. As I brushed my teeth Eli came shuffling in, as he has for the past week, to shadow-kid my entire morning routine. He literally lays on the floor next to the shower. The cat puked in the hallway. No one's folded laundry in God-knows-how-long so I had to do the ever dignified dig for something acceptable to wear to work. I went to start my car, and found that C had left his keys in the door overnight. It took me five minutes to force the fucking key out of the door, while Eli sat next to the door wrapped in a blanket asking, "Mama, are you frustrated?" It's "C" show-and-share and Eli wants to take Tical (the cat of enormous size). Great idea, but not gonna happen. How about a camera? Can't find the f-ing battery. So he wants to take this quarter-machine ring that he gave me ages ago, since it's a "crystal." Sure, fine, whatever. Please be careful because it's very special to me. Blah blah blah. Literally as I'm walking out the door, just barely on time, C sends the baby out, saying "Incoming!" So back inside to situate the kids. Finally ready to go, I go to tell C (who is still in bed) goodbye and his parting words are "Take a deep breath. Try to calm down." I will tell you right now, saying "Calm down" to a sometimes high-strung working mother who currently is just barely holding her shit together is like writing your own death sentence. You may as well tell me to get back in the kitchen, take off my shoes, and remember my place.

I get to work, where a get a call from C who starts out saying, "You know that ring you gave Eli for school today? How important is it?" Deep breaths, because we both know where this is headed, and I'm trying to maintain perspective and not think about how Eli gave me that ring a year and a half ago because "It's beautiful like you Mama" "Well, Eli lost the stone and I'm trying to decide how much effort to put into finding it." If you'd seen my house this morning, you'd know that this was akin to finding the lost city of Atlantis. Deep breaths (though in my head I'm thinking "Did this really warrant a phone call? What do you want me to do about it?") "Oh wait, he found it. Should I let him take it to school? What do you want me to do?" ("Just super-glue the fucking thing. I don't care. I'm barely holding on and I've eaten two donuts since I got to work and everyone is looking at me with pity in their eyes and oh dear god I've lost all semblance of professionalism and I'm a walking fucking stereotype") "Babe? What do you want me to do? You know what? Nevermind, I have to go get the kids to school." Click. And then my head exploded all over my office. And now it's 8:45. It's going to be a long fucking day.

Exactly!

2011-11-29T17:54:00.000-08:00

I so very much wish that I had written this. She writes it as a stay-at-home mom, but I think it's true for all moms. I've never seen the "mom club" described so well. It's like we're all simultaneously embracing and generally surviving the same adventure. There's an awesome camaraderie, despite all the daily judginess, that comes with recognizing the look of sleep-deprivation and complete adoration in another woman's eyes.

Bow Board Tutorial

2011-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

Last year my sister-in-law moved in with her boyfriend and his two awesome kids, an 8 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. We met them during our visit in July and fell in love. However, 5 days was not a ton of time to really get to know them. So I was really stuck for gift ideas for the girl (I'm pretty good on 5 year old boys right now). I had the idea to make her a few bows, but then thought I'd need to make a bunch to constitute an exciting gift. That's when I came up with the idea for a bow board to go with the barrettes. I really love how it came out, and it was super super easy.

A $4 frame from Target, a fat quarter, and trim scraps

Pop out the glass and replace with cardboard cut to size (taken out of the recycling bin)

Cover the cardboard with fabric, ensuring that you pull it tight as you glue

Lay out your ribbon. I started with an assymetrical design, but decided that I liked the weave pattern better.

In my disassembly I broke off the stand, so I glued this thick ribbon to the back so it could be hung on the wall

And covered the back in fabric to hide the scar from the broken stand. I actually like this a lot better. I think it gives it a finished look.

Ta da! I'll gift it with these bows I made. Altogether, including the bows, the cost of this project was less than $10 and took under 2 hours total. I think she's going to love it! And now I have to make Syd one...

Wood peg dolls

2011-11-28T13:53:00.000-08:00

I found this awesome tutorial via Pinterest and immediately fell in love with these little wooden people. I'm picturing them accompanying the wooden blocks that we're making for the kids. A few tips: I found that a straight pin was the easiest way to paint the eyes on. My brushes all made too big circles, which ended up looking a little freaky. I also had intended on much more specific characters (i.e. cowboy, space man, firefighter) but once I got started I liked the more generic ones better. That way the kids can make them be whatever they want. I ordered these through this website. I really wish I had bought the box of 100, verses 3 packs of 10. It wasn't a huge price difference, and I think I would have used them. Also, these were a bit smaller than I was imagining. If I did it again I may buy the bigger ones (2 1/8 in vs. 1 11/16th in).
Finally, ninjas are a great way to salvage ones that don't come out very well. Just paint over the whole thing black :)
These were so fun to make. I painted them in two nights after the kids went to bed and ended up with a very cute little village. I can't wait for the kids to see them. Now I'm trying to find a cute little box to put them in.

Of course there had to be Power Rangers. And ninjas.

About half the family. I added a few, including several generic people,

Batman, and a space alien.

I think this would have been a fun project to do with the kids too, and depending on how they like them I may buy more so we can add to the set. And if they don't like them? I'll probably steal them for myself.

How we spent Black Friday

2011-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

What do you do with two stir-crazy kids on Black Friday when it's too cold to go back to the park?

Take a cue from a friend and bust out the "trampoline"

I love long weekends at home.

Thankful

2011-11-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

It was a really awesome, fabulous day

"The Turkey Bowl 2011"
Where a bunch of 30-somethings play tackle football early in the morning and hope no one gets injured bad enough that they have to tell their wives. Thankfully, no one did.

The Turkey Bowl cheering section. Can you tell who's had coffee?

They FINALLY allowed a picture of them in their turkey hats for school. So freaking cute.

Third try at a Thanksgiving family picture (at my new table!) This one's my favorite. We can't all smile at the same time, but we can duck-face like nobody's business :)

I have been so filled with gratitude lately that I was really looking forward to today. A day with no consumerism and a day to spend just hanging out with my favorite people. In all the stress and B.S. of everyday life I love those moments that hit me with how lucky I am. We're all healthy, happy, and relatively sane. We have a freezer full of frozen meatballs and a pantry full of chicken broth and spaghetti sauce. I can go buy milk or get gas without having to balance my checkbook first. My kids go to an amazing daycare and I get paid well to do a job I would do for free. I have faith that grows stronger as my world becomes more uncertain. My friends are seeing miracles. Life is good and I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Why shrinks have weird kids

2011-11-20T08:15:00.001-08:00

Eli: Mama, are you frustrated?

Me: No, buddy, I'm okay

Eli: Mama, are you mad?

Me: No, Bud, I'm fine.

What is it about the backseat that makes kids so freaking conversant?

Eli: Mama, are sad?

Me: Nope

Eli: What are you feeling Mama?

Me: Bud, I'm fine! I'm just trying to concentrate so I can find this place.

Eli: No, Mama. That's a thought. I asked how you were feeling.

My husband and hundreds of clients are right, that is obnoxious.

I think he liked it

2011-11-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

This is the face he made in the car as we pulled up to the studio

I couldn't get a decent picture without other people's kids in it, but just imagine him and six other little kids with crazy focus shouting "Yes Sir!"

Loosely-karate related accident. He bumped his knee on his mouth as he was running back to his circle. I think it counts.

Before we went we came up with a code, because Eli was worried that it wouldn't be fun or that it would be a "baby class." If he said "elephants" it meant that he liked it and if he said "peanuts" it meant he wanted to try somewhere else. At the end of the class, despite the bonk, he came running up to me whisper-yelling "Elephants! Elephants!" I'll have to work something out at work so I can get him to the one weekday class, but for now we're signed up. Twice a week he gets to put on his uniform, run like animals, and "show respect. It's very important, Mama."

He is so freaking in love with this uniform, and completely fascinated with the fact that he has to earn his belt.

Go go power rangers

2011-11-18T09:01:00.000-08:00

On the advice of a friend I went ahead and signed Eli up for karate (though I chose the cheaper, less time commitment class). Well, technically we're going to "try it out" but let's be honest, like he'll get to yell and kick for 30 minutes with a bunch of other little kids and then say, "Eh. Mama, you know, I think I'd rather stay home and quietly color." He is so freaking excited. He keeps telling people, "I'm going to karate and we didn't even sign up yet." Like we've gotten something over on the universe. I'm a little concerned that he'll be disappointed that he won't be able to fly across the room and tackle battle zorgs, but I'm thinking he's going to love it. He'd better, because the only class his working mom (which, BTW, is a whole other post. Why do they do all these kids activities at 3:00 or 3:30?) could take him to is on Saturday morning, aka my ONE sleeping in day.

Angsty Susie Sunshine

2011-11-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

I really, really wanted that list to come out today. And it didn't. And at work that was combined with a whole lot of other fuckery that included a group of inmates bitching and whining that I was making them participate in the therapy group instead of "just letting us watch the fucking movie." Awesome.

I threw in the towel about an hour early, came home and spent that hour productively perusing Pinterest, and picked up the babies. I love how quickly they can turn a shitty day around (venting to the very awesome director and associate director didn't hurt either.) But oh boy, I am so very grateful for my family right now. I realized, driving home, that I am really, really stressed out. It only hits though when I'm away from home. Because at home there are two little munchkins randomly stripping off their clothes to do the nakey-dance. Two little rugrats climbing over me, begging for just one more story. An amazing man who congratulates me when I FINALLY make it all the way through a Harry Potter movie.

I need that list to come out soon. I'm tired of not knowing, not knowing where we'll be, what we'll be doing, if I'll have a job. Not knowing whether to buy a nightstand because "we'll probably just have to move it anyway." Not knowing if I should sign Eli up for karate because "who knows where we'll be in three months." Tired of just not knowing.

Clear as mud

2011-11-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

So the lay-off thing...

Yes, it's still happening. There's been much freaking out and self-shrinking and oh, how The Crazy has returned. But I think we're in a place of acceptance now and we're just waiting for the next steps. There've been a lot of rumors about how it's all going to work and so I've been hesitant to write much, as information is literally changing day-to-day. At first we all hustled to get our applications to other prisons, hoping to transfer to prisons who weren't losing positions. I had two really great interview/not-technically-an-interview meetings and then the positions were frozen. Like, got a job offer and then three hours later was told that they couldn't give me the job. They announced a voluntary transfer process, where they sent us a list to prioritize and gave us seven days to opt in or out, but the positions they offered were outdated (like, for facilities slated to close outdated.) Then they "postponed" that, indefinitely. As it stands now, it looks like it's going to go down like this. 1) Voluntary transfers, open to all employees in counties that will lose psychologists, and granted based on seniority. 2) The opportunity to apply and interview for any positions not filled through the voluntary transfer process. 3) Lay-offs.

I was really hoping to have the application/interview process first since my seniority score sucks and the places that I would want to go are pretty desirable. I'm a much stronger applicant based on my merit. So here's what we're hoping for, and if you're the praying/hoping/putting out to the universe type and you feel moved, I'd appreciate it. We're hoping that 1) the idea of relocation, even to attractive locations, deters some of the older, more established psychologists from ranking or opting in to the voluntary transfer or 2) there are enough positions open to absorb all of the people who are slated to lose their jobs at their current prisons. If the information I have is correct, one of my top choices is supposed to have enough openings to almost take all the displaced employees. My chances of getting in there, if I have accurate information, is pretty good. Worst case scenario, we'll go wherever we can and then try to transfer somewhere better when the dust settles. But I really hate moving, and that would suck.

So the reason I'm throwing it out there now is that we've been in a holding pattern for a couple weeks now, waiting for the new and updated voluntary transfer list to come out. On one hand it's been a blessing because there truly is nothing we can do right now if our Plan A is to stay with the department. So it hasn't been the first thing out of people's mouths. On the other hand, I just really want to know where we're going. Also, the state has a deadline, so every day that they postpone this step means a more compressed process later.

The latest thought is that the new list is coming out this week. My guess is that we'll have 5-7 days to decide and rank our choices. C and I are good with leaving. We don't love this town, though we've made good friends and I doubt I'll find another daycare as awesome as ours, but we're good with leaving. We'd really like to end up somewhere that's a better fit for our family. I have no doubt that we will, but I'll feel so much better once I know where that is. I'm mentally trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of new stress if the lists do come out this week, so if I jump on here talking about moving my family to a yurt or going back to school for auto mechanics, please remind me of this post.

Simple Felt Stocking Tutorial

2011-11-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

I looked forever for a simple stocking tutorial but never found a great one. After a friend requested a how-to it occurred to me that other people might be looking for easy directions as well. I hope these make sense. Let me know if you have any questions. And if you make one I'd love to see a picture! Enjoy!

This is the stocking I had intended to make for Syd. In fact, I still have it in my closet, waiting to be listed on eBay. If anyone's interested, I'm selling it cheap. But after you read this, you'll never be tempted by these kits again. Because I've made these kits and it is not a fast project. Or easy. Or self-contained. By the end of it you're cursing the spirit of Christmas and busting out the glue gun. I got smart for Syd's and trusted my own creative talents (and those of other artists on etsy/pinterest/facebook).

My first step was to browse the internet and find what style I was looking for. I knew I wanted something nature-y and I was drawn to simpler designs (for ease and aesthetics). I came across a beautiful appliqued stocking with a single red bird and knew I'd found it. When we were in Minnesota I learned that having a bird on your Christmas tree is good luck. At the raspberry house we had a cardinal that lived in our bushes in the back. My favorite ornament is a little red bird. And Syd's favorite song? Three Little Birds. Perfect.

The supplies for this project cost me less than $5. I had the embroidery thread on hand, but even if you chose a more intricate design with more colors and had to buy thread and needles, you'd likely still come in under $10. I bought a half of a yard of white felt off the bolt(I think it came out to a couple dollars). The other colors I just bought in the craft section. I think they were on sale for .20 a sheet and I needed 1 red, 1 brown, and 1 green. I have lots of scraps left and a ton of white felt left. If you know of a good project for white felt, please let me know!

For the design I google imaged "Silhouette bird" and picked several that I liked. Then I google imaged "Silhouette branch." Rinse and repeat. I found a couple that fit well together and printed them out. I had to modify the branch a bit to get it to work with the stocking, but it wasn't hard.

Once I had my design printed out, I traced each piece onto a piece of wax paper. Next time I would use tissue paper, but when I was doing this I couldn't find my white tissue paper. It was on top of my dresser. Which makes perfect sense considering there's absolutely no reason for it to even be in the bedroom. Moving on...

I traced the outline of the Bucilla stocking to get my base piece, but this could easily be free-handed. I used each of the traced images as a pattern for cutting out my felt.

This is where I stopped taking pictures, because it seemed like this project may actually come together in time for the holiday. Bear with me and I'll try to explain what I did.

Based on my design, the leaves needed to be under the branch, which went under the bird, so they needed sewn on first. I put all the pieces down, then glued the leaves with a small (and therefore temporary) bit of white glue. Then I put the branch and bird pieces to the side and sewed the leaves on, using green embroidery thread and a simple whip stitch. I built the design up from there, adding the branch and then the bird.

For the name at the top, I wrote out Syd's name on a piece of wax paper, layed that over the green, and embroidered through both pieces. I used a chain-stitch because I know how, but there are prettier stitches out there. When I was done I just ripped the paper away from the stitches. Make sure your knots are tight or else you'll accidentally pull out half of an "e." Not that I speak from experience...

Once the embroidery was done, I sewed the top part of the green to the white, using green thread and a blanket stitch. I made a small loop out of a 1x3 rectangle of white felt and sewed that in the corner of the back piece. I didn't worry about this being pretty and just sewed an "X" several times. Remember that this will need to be weight bearing, so strength of stitches is key. Then I sewed the front and back of the stocking together with white thread and a blanket stitch again (my embroidery arsenal is small, but effective), sewing under the green. The final step was to sew the sides of the green down (green thread, blanket stitch).

And Voila! (or as Eli says "Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!")

Homemade Christmas

2011-11-11T06:10:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas C and I decided that, instead of spending WAY too much money on plastic crap we'd be tripping over for the next year, we'd do a homemade Christmas this year. We do this every so often. It started when one especially lean year my mom declared that all gifts would be 1) re-gifted, 2) thrifted, or 3) made. I find that the gifts mean so much more to me if I know that I spent a lot of time thinking about it, making it...Plus in my world, if someone wants something from T@rget they've probably already bought it. Then the lay-offs happened. I got all crazy about money for a minute, then we were able to pay off (!!!) a couple credit cards, and I just have little interest in screwing ourselves so that the kids can play with the boxes and I can freak out about how much stuff we have, have to move, spent money on...

It's been so much fun so far! I've spent DAYS on pinterest, logging ideas and finding eight million things that I want to make. I go to the fabric store almost daily to scrounge through the remnants bin (maybe not such a frugal idea), and I think I've finally got a good plan for the holidays. First up was Sydney's stocking. I got it in my head that all the kids in our family need a homemade stocking. Last year I made my niece one out of a kit and it took for.ev.er. Literally, months. I bought Syd a kit, but I just couldn't bring myself to start it. I didn't even like it that much. Then I realized that there was no law saying it had to be a stocking from a kit. I could go freestyle! Behold!
I am so happy with how it turned out! It's a complete original (though inspired from one I found on Etsy) and it took four episodes of Gray's Anatomy start to finish. Including sleep training in between.

I'll keep posting pictures of the projects (and tutorials where I don't think I'll make an ass of myself.) For the gifts for people I know read the blog you'll have to wait until after the holidays. I really am excited, and I hope everything goes as well as the stocking did.

Sleepy Maow-Maow

2011-11-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

Susie Sunshine strikes again

2011-11-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

I took yesterday off, which was awesome, but made today going back that much harder. It's too early! I have too much to do! I don't feel good! What's the point? No one wants my help anyway! (admittedly, there is a ~~not so~~ small contingent of inmates who are more motivated to look sick than to get better.) It seems like no one knows still what's going to happen with the layoffs and we're getting runaround so much it feels more like learned helplessness than indignation.

BUT!

I got away with making some very inappropriate jokes during a team meeting

My unit newsletter came out today, and it was awesome!

The daycare teachers RAVED about the pink hair.

I've been wanting to watch all the Harry Potters in order but couldn't find anyone who had them all. Today at Costco, where I haven't been in MONTHS, they had them all for $5 each. Technically 4.99! I bought five and six, and may go back for more.

Sydney is sleeping in a toddler bed right now, and it's freaking adorable.

Eli keeps randomly telling me that I'm beautiful (in a sort of Eddie Hascal way, but still)

The drama mom from daycare (who I haven't written about yet because I'm not sure I'll be fair but let's just say I switched into "shrink mode" very quickly), who I questioned my judgement about, totally hung up on me. Validation FTW!

My dad, after asking in a text about the job situation and hearing about the drama mom, replied (and I quote) "Take a number, b--ch!" My dad is a 62 year old, very white upper-middle class man. He may still own sweater vests.

It's the little things.And there's a lot of little things.

Halloween Picture Fest!

2011-10-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Bat Ninja!

Pretty much the cutest tiger ever

My costume.

BTW, pink hair is magical. I'm thinking about making it permanent

This is the best picture I got of the trick-or-treating chaos.

The rest were all blurs and candy wrappers.

All in all, one of the best so far. It was a fabulous day and we're all home and safe and crashing from crazy sugar highs. Happy Halloween!

Birthday Date

2011-10-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

C took me out for my birthday last night and we had so much fun! First, I bought new skinny jeans with a birthday check from my in-laws, and thanks to Old Navy's vanity sizing I had to return them, twice, to get smaller sizes. So, all dressed up we hit BK (KLASSY) and the roller derby. The roller derby was a blast and I may be fantasizing, just a little bit, about trying out in January. I need to come up with a good name though. There was a girl last night named Hari Kari and her number was 51/50 (the civil code for being involuntarily committed to a psych hospital in CA). Too fun. On top of that, C won me a raffle prize that was donated by the cosmetology school. So I am now the proud owner of two shades of fake bangs (pink and red/black) and three different colors of shatter nail polish (plus a lot of other, less awesome stuff). It was probably one of my top three birthday dates ever. Today the kids and I are lying low, doing crafts and putzing around the house. I'm working on an embellished t-shirt for Syd and Eli wants to re-carve a pumpkin since his rotted so bad he didn't even argue when we tossed it. Tomorrow I'm thinking of playing hooky to go to the daycare's costume parade, then trick-or-treating and dinner. I have a whole post about how when work gets super stressful it seems like home stuff gets super awesome, but for now it's nice to be so content and have a true break from all the layoff BS. Tomorrow I'll post pictures of my kids in their super cute, super awesome costumes.

"Things I Like" by Eli

2011-10-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

Eli's class was working on a unit about things they liked, and they each put together a collage that illustrated their interests. Most were pretty predictable: cake, sports, toys, cartoons. But of course, my kid's never quite as predictable. He came up with this

Me: Wow, Buddy! That's quite a picture. What do you like about her?

Eli: Mama, she's in her *underwear*

Me: I know! Is that why you picked her?

Eli: No Mama, she reminds me to exercise!

Yep, pretty sure that's what the photographer was aiming for

Duck Face!

2011-10-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

For no other reason except I find it absolutely hilarious

How we cope

2011-10-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's only been a couple weeks, and I have run the gamut of completely freaking out clear to trusting the universe and being very zen, and back again. I seem to do okay, but then people around me start talking about it and my anxiety shoots through the roof. I am walking a very fine line of professionalism and appropriateness, which luckily my co-workers consider "genuineness." Because honestly? I was sarcastic and short-tempered and pouty today and I'm not a huge fan of myself like that. On the other hand, a supervisor told me that I seemed to "have a peace about you." To which I laughed like a deranged lunatic. Moving on. So how does a mental health professional such as myself cope during a time of instability and stress? I'm so glad you asked! Thus far I've

-Spent money like it was going out of style. Because Eli MUST have a hoodie! Right this second! To replace the one he lost! Even though it's over 80! And Syd needs pajamas! And I need skinny jeans! And notebook dividers! And pumpkins!

-Tried to sell anything that's not nailed down on craigslist. But then hid the money away like it never existed. See? I can save! And I'd bet that the $10 I made off that Johnny JumpUp is going to make all the difference.

-Freaked out about money. I find myself compulsively balancing numbers, even numbers that really don't mean anything. Oh yeah. The Crazy? Back with a fucking vengeance.

-Productively contacted other possible places of employment. Had great conversations.

-Freaked out because it sounds like "realignment" will be based on seniority, not merit or fit. Which means that I will likely end up in Bum Fuck Nowhere.

-Applied to work in New Zealand. Which I am sort of, not quite, maybe, we'll see what happens, considering.

-Blown my diet, restarted, blown, and restarted. I've lost almost ten pounds, but man, I forgot how amazing brownies can be.

-Disgusted myself with a variety of unattractive qualities, including jealousy (savings?! How do you have savings? Why can't we have savings!?), spite (oh so many examples), and opposition.

In other news, the kids and I went to the coast this weekend and it was lovely! We spontaneously jumped in the ocean, explored pirate caves, and ate way too much. We slept in, stayed up late, and jumped on beds. Eli was brave and Syd was crazy. I loved it.

She does this thing now where she poses and then waits for me to take her picture. She was obsessed with sitting on these pumpkins

A true flip!

This? This was awesome.

Pure Awesomeness

2011-10-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

I couldn't handle my freak out being front page anymore. I think you'll agree, this is WAY better.

Is this how it's going to be?

2011-09-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

The shock of yesterday is starting to wear off, and it's so interesting to see how people are reacting to the reality of all of the layoffs and uncertainty. I talked to a friend today who said she felt like nobody was as heartbroken as she was, that she felt somehow that she was taking this too hard. Another friend spent all day on the verge of tears. Work today was pretty sparse, so I don't know what some people are doing. I'm guessing that there's a lot of drinking and bad tv. After the tears yesterday, I switched into this almost-obnoxious PollyAnna mode. "This could be a great opportunity! We're all going to be FINE! We'll make this work!" And I meant it. But I woke up this morning, and in that haze right after your eyes open, I thought to myself "Fuck. That really happened." And then I started thinking about what it all meant. What seemed like plenty of time yesterday seems like nothing today. I realized that we'll most likely have to move. I hate this town, but I love our friends. Eli won't be able to finish kindergarten with his friends. Syd will have to leave her beloved teachers. More packing, more moving, more trying to fit in and figure out and more more more. And before I know it I'm crying in the shower at the unfairness and the overall suckiness. But I can't live there, so I pull myself back together and go to work. I'm glad I went. I got some good leads on possible positions (including some really awesome possibilities). I got organized and back in "job search mode." It was good. There's part of me though that is really trying to avoid other people. C was great when I told him, but you can tell he's freaked out. And he freaks out by picking fights about totally insignificant stuff, so it seems like every time I talk to him I get yelled at. Which is awesome. My friends are all facing the same crisis, so understandably not a lot of sympathy going on. Like I said, I cannot wallow in this. Getting shit done is kind of my specialty, and shit doesn't get done if you sit around freaking out or feeling sorry for yourself or obsessing over the location of the couch. On the other hand, I would really like someone else to be my shoulder just for a minute. Because this sucks. I love my job. I planned on being there a long time. Now I'm not. My friends all have their own obstacles, and that sucks too. It sucks going to work and being expected to reassure people who are most likely quite safe. It sucks when people say "This place is going to suck without you" because I. Don't. Care. I cannot be expected to feel sorry for you. It sucks that I'm questioning how much to tell my other lay-off victims, knowing that I could be competing with them for the same job. It sucks to see people who are less qualified sit easy because they've skated by for five years and therefore outrank me. It sucks that I'll have to find a new daycare, a new grocery store, a new park, a new house. A new fucking job. It all just fucking sucks.

So now that that's done, I'll go back to being Susie Sunshine. It's better than the alternative, which apparently is to freak the fuck out.

Incongruency

2011-09-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

At work today, right after a pretty intense session with a woman who gave me a laundry list of really horrible, lose your faith in humanity things that happened to her before the age of 16, we all got called into an emergency staff meeting. Which is never good. And it wasn't. We found out that a lot of jobs, including mine and most of my friends', are being cut early next year. We knew this was coming, but none of us had any idea how many people would be affected. It sucks. There were a lot of tears, a lot of freaking out, and a lot of numb staring at walls.

But now I'm at home. Eli's watching a movie, Syd is running around in pigtails repeating HAP-py! HAP-py! and I'm getting ready to make chili dogs (definitely took a break on the diet. I'm a walking cliche) and I think we're going to be okay. In fact, this may turn out pretty awesome.

I'd hate to ruin his fun...

2011-09-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

Besides, who wants to spend their Monday evening folding clothes anyway?

I'm probably going to get fired

2011-09-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

In the past three days I have:
Flipped off an officer
Sat on the floor behind the officer's stations saying "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck..."
Yelled at an inmate
Had an in-depth conversation with a black client about the viability of braids on a very white clinician's head (verdict? Braids are okay, beads are only for the weekends)
Flipped out on a co-worker about their scheduling a group (a more fun, more enticing group) at the same time as mine
Stomped my foot, in public
Said the word "Fuck" waaaaay more times than is professionally acceptable
Talked incessantly about my stupid diet, becoming one of "those people."

WTF is wrong with me? I'm not even especially stressed out. I've just apparently lost my ability to function appropriately around other people.

Ever the professional

2011-09-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was walking with a group of my inmates today, coming back from the library. One woman wanted to show me "this great book I found!" So she pulls out a small book with the title "Love Your Body: Meditations to improve self-image" (or something like that). She was really excited about it, so I took it and opened it to see what it was about. Y'all. The page I opened started with this, verbatim. "I love my fingers. My fingers give me pleasure." I couldn't even help it. I giggled like a 14 year old and said "Seriously?" And then? She didn't get it, so ANOTHER inmate had to say "It looks like it's saying that you love to touch yourself." The passage went on to wax poetic about the "gift of touch" and how our fingers allow us to experience the world, yada yada yada. It didn't matter, the damage was done. I fumbled around to reframe or at least recover, but I don't think it worked very well. She took her book back and walked to the front of the line. And they're supposed to take me seriously? I'm going to call it "being genuine."

Days like this

2011-09-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those days? You load up all the kids in the car, sniff, and realize that you didn't take out the rag your husband used to clean up after the carsick baby so now your new car has the awesome aroma of stale vomit? You trudge on, but as you walk your snowflakes into their daycare, you realize that both are wearing clothes that are quite obviously outgrown and worn through. No matter! You make the most of every day! So you drive, 45 minutes, to work and attend 8 hours of the most awful training you are required to do every year. Driving home, decide with your husband that you're going to live it up. Take a day off from the diet and go eat pizza? Splurge and then realize that after your diet, your body no longer enjoys pizza. Wish you'd had more salad, then feel both old and a little pathetic for having that thought. Decide to hit what everyone's saying is a great sale to maybe buy your kids some clothes. That no one else has ever worn. That fit. That they may even get to choose? Arrive at said store to find the sale racks picked clean of everything except SpongeBob paraphernalia and shirts that advertise "Daddy's Little Goldigger!" Continue to look, like the good stuff may magically appear, while your toddler screams and pinches and hits until you put her down, where she runs maniacally away. Take your 5 year old to the bathroom 3 times in 45 minutes, with no explanation as to why but you're not brave enough to deny him and besides, he's grabbing his junk like a Chester in the making so you better give the impression that this is unusual. Resign yourself to having complete ragamuffin children with shorts too short, grabbing themselves and assaulting their mother. Become "That mom?" In public, of course.

Yeah, me neither. I'm far too organized, awesome, and centered for a day like that.

South Beach recap

2011-09-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

For those of you out there keeping track, today marked the last day of our official Phase 1 on the South Beach. C and I both fell off the wagon late last week, he to the call of a fast food burger and fries, me to a bridal shower with drinks and cake. We both got a bit looser in our commitment after that. But I will say, the morning after my discretion, while I didn't feel "bad" I didn't feel great either. Honestly, the best word I could come up with was that I felt denser. Grand totals? I lost 6 pounds and C lost 10. I'm not thrilled with my loss, though logically I know it's an accomplishment. I'm disappointed that I lost no weight in the last week, and actually gained a pound back.I still want to lose at least another 10 pounds, and this is a much healthier way to eat and the only thing that's worked very well. I had planned to continue Phase 1 for another week or so, but with our falling off the wagon and subsequent "interpretation" of the rules, I think we'll start adding some things back in this week. I plan to continue to be very carb-light, but not quite so structured about it. As hard as it was to go out and find things that fit the diet when we go out (really not that hard. It's just that cake, lemon drops, and fries aren't included.", I really wish I had stuck to the diet for the entire two weeks. That's more me being a perfectionist than anything else though. So now to this last 10 pounds. Wish me luck!

It was bound to happen

2011-09-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

C and I were laying in bed this morning, squeezing out those last few precious minutes before you have to choose between dragging yourself out of bed or being negligent to the two unkempt heathens currently running amok in your bedroom. Eli and Syd had found their way into our bathroom and were playing nicely, so we weren't too eager to interrupt and remind them of their need for breakfast/cartoons/"that lego guy I had that one time that has suddenly become the only toy that will satisfy me!" As we were laying there we realized that it had gotten very quiet. Too quiet. So C calmly calls out "Eli? What are you guys doing in there?" "I'm reading a book to Sydney!" "Oh, that's great Bud! What a nice thing to do! What are you reading her?" "Puh, puh, Playboy?" Yep. That got our attention. Apparently the kid can read better than we thought. So C went in to find more "appropriate" reading material and Eli got upset that his magazine was being taken away. And I swear, he yelled at C, "But Daddy! I was reading the article!"

South Beach update

2011-09-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, we started Phase 1 of The South Beach diet a week ago. Here's how it's going so far. As of Monday morning, I'm down 6 pounds and C is down 7. Our cravings are still there, but are much more manageable. Interestingly, C craves bread and tortillas, while I'd love a piece of fruit. But other than that we've both commented on how much better we feel.I really like how much we've cut down on processed foods especially. We're getting a lot better at figuring out how to adapt our meals (the fajita bowl mentioned in the comments here is amazing!), though breakfast continues to be a challenge. I'm relearning how to recognize hunger, since I don't get that light-headed, weak feeling anymore. I don't notice an energy drop at all anymore. I feel great actually. I caught Eli's stomach bug this last weekend, and his doctor prescribed him yogurt to heal his stomach. On Phase 1 you can have plain, low-fat or non-fat yogurt (yum) so I experimented and added Sweet-n-low and a drop of vanilla extract. So. Delicious.

I tried really hard to talk myself out of doing this program, but a week in and it's really not so bad. We eat a lot of salads. I snack on string cheese, almonds, and a lot of cut up peppers. Without the safety net of rice and pasta, I'm having to put a little more thought into our meals, which has had the added bonus of getting the kids excited about family dinners again. I love that C and I are doing it together, since we can support each other and cheer each other on. I can really see us incorporating this type of eating lifelong. I'm thrilled that I'm down 6 pounds! I'm hoping that I can lose at least another four next week. Wish me luck!

Our day at the lake

2011-09-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

C, for the first time in seven years, had Labor Day off. So we packed up the kids, the dog, and the fishing poles and headed to the mountains.C fished for hours. The kids played in the sand. We swam. I even got to read for a minute. We came home sunburned, sandy, and happy, which to me says it was a pretty damn good day.

C doesn't get much more blissed out than this.

There were many sand castle interpretations

This kid's a goat. I don't think I breathed the whole time he was climbing around up here.

Awesome. Just awesome.

We're going to Miami...

2011-09-01T20:01:00.001-07:00

Not really. But C and I are doing the South Beach Diet. I generally hate the "I ate this, then exercised for eleventy-million minutes and lost four pounds!" posts, and I really debated whether I wanted to put this up to be counted among the millions of moms out there trying to lose the baby/stress/cheeseburger weight. But I have writer's block and I'm avoiding putting away the laundry...

I've been trying to lose the last 15 furiously awful pounds of baby weight since January. I started the C25K program and went to the gym three times a week, gained 5 pounds. I did SparkPeople, logged all my food, lost nothing. I restricted to an admittedly unhealthy 800-1000 calories. Lost nothing. So then I gave up and ate cheeseburgers and fries several times a week. Felt like crap, lost nothing, gained nothing. I was lamenting all this to a friend and she suggested/insisted that I try the South Beach Diet.

After much hemming and hawing, grieving french fries and brownies, and trying a million ways to talk ourselves out of it, C and I started on Monday. Here's what I've noticed. Monday I felt great. In fact, with all the veggies I felt like I was super full, all day, but at around 4:00 I would've killed for a bowl of cereal. They're not joking when they talk about cravings. Tuesday, I felt like crap. I had a headache, no energy, and just felt Blah. This cemented my theory that carbs and sugar have an addictive quality. Wednesday I noticed that I felt very stable all day. No peaks or drops in energy, no ravishing hunger attacks, just stable. Today I missed a snack and instead of getting "wild badger who will eat your children" hungry I just got really hungry. The pros are that the cravings are slowing down a lot and I like the way my body feels. The cons are that I am really tired of eggs already and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to cook meals without rice, pasta, bread, or potatoes. It's a good challenge though, and I like that C and I are doing it together. That helps a lot.

If people are interested I'll keep writing about my experience. Theoretically I should be able to lose quite a bit of weight in these first two weeks, and then continue on a less restrictive "lifestyle change." Also, if anyone has some fabulous low-carb recipes throw them my way!

Gratitude

2011-08-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

I am realizing that The Crazy is likely going to be something that I always go back to when my stress reaches critical mass. The fact is, we will never have "enough" money. Just like I will never have enough time, be ready for another kid, be stable enough to buy a house. There's always another rung to climb. When I was in graduate school there was a time when C and I were financially stretched thinner than thin. We were on food stamps, and our monthly budget was less than we pay now for one week of daycare. Tonight I'm grateful that 1) we can afford awesome insurance 2) we can afford a co-pay when one of the kids complains of a stomach ache and spikes a 102+ fever 3) we're secure enough that I don't resent paying the co-pay when he's diagnosed with a "stomach bug" and of course, miraculously recovers an hour later. And above all that I am grateful that my instincts were wrong and he doesn't have appendicitis. AND I'm really grateful that he's fully toilet trained and apparently can wipe his own butt now.

Things I learned on my vacation

2011-08-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

I love this town so very very much

I mean, I REALLY love this town

There is nothing better than eating a hippy organic burrito, from a food cart, on the steps of a public fountain, with your soaking wet babies

This place is as good for us as it is for me. Its where we became a family.

Syd loves to throw rocks. And eat rocks.

My husband can catch fish with his bare hands. Also, I should have my camera ready when he says he's going to.

There's not much better than teaching a five-year-old how to roll down a hill

Despite a couple of embarrassing, stress-induced bitch-moments, we had a really great time away. Eight years ago, C and I stood on the front porch of our first rental house in a suburb outside Portland and watched my mom drive away. We had no phone, let alone a cell, no idea how to get around, and we knew no one except our landlords. We were scared to death. Like, deer in the headlights scared. But we made it through, and it was the beginning of an amazing life we've built. We may never get to live there again, but this weekend made me realize that Portland is most definitely home. I'm committing myself to going back when we can, and to keeping a little Portland with me (like choosing a daycare with a vegetable garden and making an embarrassing and illogical number of reusable sandwich bags).

Where's home for you? And how do you carry it with you?

First Day

2011-08-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

First day as a Toddler

First day at the new school

Holy cow. First day of Kindergarten.

Back

2011-08-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a long weekend in Portland. That place, that place is good for my soul. I have been really stressed out lately. In fact, I told someone the other day that I was pretty sure I had the "dragon eyes" (you know, when you're crazy and you know it but just don't care because it feels good?). I needed this trip badly. And it was wonderful. We hiked. We went downtown. We saw lots of amazing friends (including one I'd never met in person before!). I have lots of pictures to share and I'll talk more about what all the stress is about, I'm sure. But for now, we're home. I feel recharged, but also homesick. It was amazing what a difference I felt, the second we touched down in the Northwest.

Fingerpainting ala Sydney

2011-08-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

What is this? It looks interesting...

Photo op? Yes please!

What's Bubba got there?

WANT!!!!

I am toddler! Hear me roar!

Much better

This seems familiar...

Eeee!!

Almost done...

And now to clean up!

Lazy Saturday

2011-08-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's 11:00 am and I'm still in my jammies. Eli's on the couch watching Netflix cartoons in his boxers (so cute!) and Syd's roaming the house in a nap-refusing delirium. I've purged two huge boxes of books while Eli was distracted with the TV, and I'm working on purging toys. (I was inspired when I saw a new friend's toy closet last night. Each of her boys has about four of those canvas boxes for toys. That's it. We picked up in under 10 minutes.) Syd just stole Eli's sandwich and he told her "Sydney, you are destroying the goodness!" Then all three of us laughed. I'm fixing to let Eli eat an ice cream sandwich for lunch. If this doesn't heal the soul, I'm not sure what does.

Random random random

2011-08-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've officially reached that point where, during the course of my day, I think "I should totally blog that!" BUT I'm also finding myself to be really busy and so when I get a chance to actually sit down and do it my mind is more "Uh...yeah. More pictures of the kids? Or some whiny rant about work? Eh." I can't even come up with FB statuses most days. But I hate it when I let it go too long between posts. Plus, I'm scheduled for my very first bikini wax in about 45 minutes and I'm trying to distract myself from what I anticipate will be a very awkward situation (thank you groupon, for making me think I need things I'm too embarrassed to actually do.)

So I present to you

Eli's new trick

and subsequent head injury

Sydney's duck face

Yoga pants I MADE (out of an old turtleneck, how green am I?)

On the work front, we've gotten a huge influx of new inmates and so we've been really, really busy and it's a been a bit chaotic. Add to that that the state just announced that they will be laying people off and work's been a little tense. I'm trying not to think about it too much because like most things around here, it's going to be months before anything happens. BUT if you happen to want to hire a psychologist who is most often described as "real" and will likely show up to work with banana smeared across her shoulder, you may have found your girl.

Speaking of head injuries, my kids have been knocking their noggins like nobody's business. We had Eli on the swingset. Then he knocked Sydney off that little climber backwards. This morning C tried to start a pillow fight with Eli and gave him a black eye. Then at the doctor's office Syd fell and gave herself a giant goose-egg. I'm starting to think I should be socking away money for future neurologists bills.

Like I said, random. I do have some posts brewing, including one about how I accidentally agreed to start training for a half marathon. In two months. At the crack of dawn. Eeek!

Oh Shit

2011-08-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

Looks like we've got a climber

HAND-y Crafts

2011-07-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

That title hurts, doesn't it? The wall above my couch needed some help, but C and I are notoriously bad at agreeing on things, so we've been without any art since we moved in. After a burst of inspiration I came up with a project that was a) cute b) personal and c) cheap. I started with a value pack of blank canvases (40% off!) and painted them to match the couch.

At first I was going to paint a quote in three parts across the canvases, but as C and I were talking we (WE!) came up with a better idea.

Pretty adorable, eh? I'd show how it goes with the couch, but right now it's under a pile of laundry. But trust me, it's a major improvement.

Random thoughts

2011-07-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

This is how Syd would eat every meal if we'd let her. If she ever went feral, I think she'd do Just Fine.

It's been almost a week since my last post. C is working overnights, meaning he literally leaves as I'm crawling in bed and gets home as the kids and I are walking out the door. Though I'm asleep (or more often in bed watching True Blood on the iPad) while he's gone the schedule has really done a number on me. Today I am exhausted. Luckily the kids didn't nap and can't tell time, so all were in bed by 7:30. I'll be following shortly. But in the meantime, random thoughts.

-I have an urge to do a major purge, like almost everything purge. I want a home with things we love, and things we can find. Right now it's more like a home with 8 million socks and a large collection of McDonald's Happy Meal toys.

-I have a client right now who is taking up about 90% of my time with what amounts to a constant barrage of complaining. It is so exhausting that today I realized that I'm avoiding going to the unit just so I can stay in the quiet of my office. You know that Family Guy clip? "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom." "WHAT!!!!" "Hi!" It's like that. Except that she's also got a criminal mind and so I'm never quite sure if I'm being manipulated or not. Super fun.

-We booked tickets to Portland. I am so ridiculously, disgustingly happy about this. I just want to sit in Pioneer Square and absorb Portlandia. Then I'll put a bird on it.

-We had friends over the other night for beer and pizza. The boys played PlayStation and the girls sat on the back porch (at my patio set thankyouverymuch!) while the kids played in the kiddie pool. Syd shit on the sidewalk. I am not the one who discovered this. Then I cleaned it up with a Target bag over my hand. I think the fact that it was Target makes me classy.

-The dog appears to be going deaf. Or obstinate. Or both. I figure she's earned it. Though C being gone is making her paranoid and skittish. Unfortunately, I can't figure out whether I should be worried or sad when she perks up her ears. Poor Haley.

-I'm thinking about doing the South Beach diet. Thoughts? Any one have any experience with it?

-Yesterday I had to explain to my very sweet, very conservative supervisor, and my raunchy, super smart but at times totally inappropriate supervisor, what "scissors" (I was going to link to it, but thought better of it. Google for more information) were. And I tried to use only PG words. Think about it...

I keep meaning to write a post about The Ominous Donkey. Pulling up to my house the second or third time on our trip home, I notice this concrete donkey that's been painted purple with red paint dripping down the sides. Hmm. Mom says, "Before you say it, we have no idea where it came from." And it's not like she lives on a busy street. Her driveway alone is a quarter mile long. So someone drove down, then dropped off, The Ominous Donkey. I'm not sure you can tell, but it has one ear, no tail, and "Gangsta" writing on one side saying "Do some hoodrat shit." You can't make this stuff up. So I let Eli ride it.

-I'm in a funk today. Help me out. Tell me the most random thing that happened to you this week.

It's a hair day

2011-07-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

I need help. Syd's hair is starting to come over her eyes. Do I trim it?

Can she rock the side swept bangs?

Headbands, maybe?

A do-rag, perhaps?

Or something more unique?

Vote now!

How to road trip with babies: Take 2

2011-07-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

This last trip was our second back home. Last year's, quite frankly, sucked. I read all the articles and sucked up advice like oxygen on how to road trip with kids and arrive with as many souls as you left with. First piece of advice? Drive while the kids are sleeping. Sounds smart, so we left at 8:00pm. And Syd cried starting at 8:15. Eli held it together until 9:00. C until 9:15. It was awful. Not only did we have uncomfortable, forcibly restrained children, but they were also tired. It pretty much went downhill from there. This year though, I thought it out like a rational person and thought about MY OWN KIDS (I know. Ground breaking!) And let me tell you. This trip made the angels sing. It was so perfect we probably won't remember it in two years. Here's what I think made the difference;

1) We left in the morning, like normal people. The kids napped at the same time they usually do (although they stayed asleep a little longer.)

2) We planned to stop. This one's a biggie. I was raised in a family that road tripped like a remake of Speed. We drove until someone fell asleep behind the wheel. If it was at a motel, great, but a lot of the time we slept in our seats on the side of the road. My family? They don't really get the appeal of this approach. So on our 15 hour drive, we knew there was a clean bed and a swimming pool waiting for us around hour 7. We made it to the hotel in good moods and with enough energy to play both ways. Nothing like jumping from bed to bed to burn off some energy.

3) I stopped being so frugal. I love the idea of packing sandwiches and healthy snacks, eliminating fries and huge food costs. My husband and kids love McDonald's. So last year I fumed while they wolfed down mcnuggets and my sandwiches went bad. This year, we played on the playground and I ordered a salad. Win win. To make up the money, I did insist on eating the continental breakfast. Not great, but free.

4) Supplies. There were a few that were especially pivotal in our trip's success.

For Eli, a lap tray and a cheap set of old-school style headphones for the DVD player. The tray let him play with cars, color, even nap comfortably and keep his stuff within easy reach. The headphones let him put them on and off himself, and control the volume when he was watching a movie.
I made him a travel size pillow that he used a lot to help himself get comfortable or to lay over his tray and take a nap.
For Syd it was the this bowl, which by the way totally works. I was skeptical but now I'm a firm believer. I hope the inventor is making a ton of money. I think we vacuumed up a total of 6 cheerios/puffs/edamame that had spilled out of the bowl.
I also loved her "wings", which kept her from having to stay in the neck-crinky position for too long.
We got each a kids Camelbak. New enough to want to use all the time (no juice boxes!) and didn't spill, ever.

5) The surprise bag. This one was probably the most effective and made the journey a lot more fun. I took a big tote bag and threw in there some toys I picked up at BigLots super cheap (a hot wheels motorcycle, a tube of tiny superheroes), a couple Early Reader books for Eli, a couple movies that were on sale at Target, a magazine I knew C liked, a new toy phone and a couple rubber duckies for Syd, some HFCS-laden fruit snacks, fruit leather, and a couple tubes of Pringles. And about every 3-4 hours someone got to pick out of the bag, but only if they'd been "a super good road tripper so far." They were all FABULOUSLY pleasant in anticipation of getting a turn. And if they got a turn, they also had a new fancy distraction for the next few minutes. I cannot recommend this one enough.

Looking back, these are the things I need to incorporate in every big road trip we make. Otherwise C and I yell at each other, Syd screams, and Eli whines. No one has any fun and it's really pretty miserable. We had a great time, the four of us on this road trip. There's a few things I'll probably add for next year.

1) Another screen/another portable DVD. Syd seemed kind of interested but couldn't see what Eli was watching.

2) Travel blankets and a travel pillow for the passenger seat. C tried to steal Eli's a few times, with no luck.

3) Books on tape. We downloaded a couple new albums, but I would've liked a book for when everyone was sleeping.

4) A "Motel Bag" We had to haul all of our stuff in each time and it was a pain in the butt. Next time I'll pack us each pajamas, a traveling outfit, bathroom stuff, and a couple toys. Easy peasy.

So that's it. The voice of experience. We'll see how next year goes. Anyone have any good travel tips for traveling with kids?

Nightime visitors

2011-07-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

Look what I found this morning in my bathroom! I'm calling him Wayne (or Wanda?)

He (or she?) was pretty adorable and I really wanted to put him (her?) in a jar so Eli could keep it as a pet. But then I remembered Snaily...

Wayne/Wanda was freed and hopefully now lives in our backyard. I wonder if he realizes the bullet he just dodged...

Standards

2011-07-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Obviously I have pretty low standards. My house is borderline hygenic, my laundry waits for days, and sometimes weeks to get folded. My son picks all his own outfits and has been known to leave the house in a variety of Halloween costumes in various stages of disintegration. I haven't blow-dried my hair since we got back from Colorado. My five second rule is a more generous "beat the dog to it." But I still like to believe that I have some standards. Especially when it comes to my own personal success.

I've talked so much about my struggle to lose weight that I'm kind of sick of mentioning it. Long story short, I've tried a lot of things and the needle isn't budging. I got frustrated, gave up on the diet, and quit forcing myself to go to the gym. And I lost a couple pounds. Probably when that stick fell out of my butt. Moving on...

While we were back home I met a couple of C's friends wives who were drop-dead gorgeous. All of them actually. And pulled together and fit and pretty much exactly how I want others to see me. I come home and it seems like everyone is having great success staying in/getting back into shape. It's like reality television around here, all the beautiful people. I have, at times, had a body I would describe as fit. I have at times looked super-cute in a tight little dress and heels. That time is not now. And frankly, it's driving me crazy. So I decided I would force myself back to the gym, back on the diet, back to the grindstone. Problem is that I have 0 motivation. None at all. I'm working slightly longer hours, C's working a lot of nights, and even if I could force myself to exercise I have a hard time forcing my kids to drive from one daycare to another, then home to rush through dinner and start the bedtime routine. And that's where my lightbulb went off. I'm busy. Really busy. I have a long commute, a typical full-time job, two kids, a husband, a house, and pets. I do a lot of the household chores. I always do daycare pick-up. I have to make sacrifices for my time, and unfortunately I've chosen to sacrifice my health, fitness, and some of my self-esteem. That's not exactly how I want to live my life, and certainly not what I want to teach Syd. So I'm throwing it out there. How do other working moms fit in time for themselves? Especially self-care stuff like the gym? I'm thinking about trying videos at home, but I'm not sure how feasible that will be. I have to assume that if I try long enough, the weight will eventually come down and I can rock that mini.

I think maybe I'm a little bit of a psychopath. But in a good way.

2011-07-18T21:25:00.001-07:00

So in our backyard there is a small concrete patio covered by the roof. Until last week it housed an orphan side table, every cooler we own, our barbecue grill, and three decrepit camp chairs. In a fit of neurotic obsession, I decided that I MUST own a patio set, and that I MUST not pay more than $100, and that I MUST procure said patio set before dawn on Sunday. I have no idea why I decided these things, but I knew them to be true. Luckily I found a perfect set at The Walmart. And I brought it home. And it was perfect.

So now our previously super ghetto back porch is now a "seating area" and the perfect place for outdoor dining (read: letting the kids eat the messy food without pretending that I'll actually mop after the meal). Except. Except. Except that our backyard is also home to our wonderful, amazing dog. Who has sucky "companions." Sucky companions who suck at certain, less savory dog-owning responsibilities. So our backyard has flies. And a shit ton of them.

Despite all this, I was determined to christen our backyard abode. We got take-out with my dad and stepmom and settled in for a lovely dinner. It was lovely. Super lovely in fact. And afterwards I set Syd's highchair in the grass to clean it off. But there were a couple of flies being attracted to her left overs so I went and got the swatter (BTW, it was my second-string swatter. C totally broke my good killing stick trying to kill a wasp last week. Fucker.) There are two things I learned from this experience. 1) A highchair makes an excellent fly bait and 2) killing flies is pretty cathartic. I'd bet that I killed 100. And what's more, I liked it. A lot. In fact, I was kind of excited today to come home and find a couple of those nasty bugs in the window. And then I squashed 'em good. SLAP!

A story about a girl

2011-07-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. A very beautiful and smart, and humble, girl who occasionally got all obsessed with stuff until it was all she could think of and all she could see and she couldn'tstopthinkingaboutitfortheloveofGoddon'tyouseehowimportantthisiswe'reallgoingtodie!

She had a handy husband. Handy husband had a very special watch that ran so much sloooowwwer than the rest of the world.

Girl and Handy Husband had a sink. The sink had a drip. Drip drip drip. Girl asked Handy Husband, who worked at a huge Handy store, to please fix the drippy sink.

A week later she asked again.

Two weeks after that Girl went crazy from the drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. So she decided to show Handy Husband.

Girl went to Handy Husband's place of work and procured from his coworker the small, little, 1.09 piece that would change her world and restore peace in the land.

Girl went home with simple instructions on how to fix the sink.

Girl found vise grips. Girl googled "vise grips how to use." Girl went crazy with the vise grips. Girl felt powerful.

Girl snapped a mysterious pipe with her superhuman strength.

Girl returned to Handy Store to get a new mysterious pipe. Boy announces to anyone who will listen "Mama broke our sink and we're just borrowing our house so now we have to fix it or she's going to be in so much trouble!"

Girl looks at pipe options. Realizes mysterious pipe was actually part of the faucet.

Girl leaves store with huge, awkward, $70 box, two pipes, and complicated instructions on how to fix the Drip. Drip. PSSHHHESSSS spray water all over the kitchen. Handy Husband smirks and announces to the store "I'll be home at 10:00! Please don't flood the house!"

*Edited to add that I fixed that mo-fo like a red-headed step-child. My faucet looks downright high class now. Also, I found two rib cages under my sink and I may be a teensy bit traumatized. But I fixed the fucking sink. By myself. Except for the nut I let C tighten when he got home because I'm all about the team. BooYah!

Sydney's baptism

2011-07-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

One of the highlights of our trip was being able to baptize Syd with our family. We wanted to do it last year, but there were some requirements/classes/planning that needed to happen and we didn't have time. (Someday I'll write a post on our religious leanings. But not today. For context, C is Catholic and so our kids have both been baptized in a Catholic church.) This year the deacon, rather than the priest, agreed to do it. It was perfect. It was just us, the deacon, and his family. There were a ton of little kids running around. It was casual and informal and absolutely perfect

Walking into the church. Cause we do that now.

The only snag occurred when we realized that we hadn't given Syd a Bible name, and so we had to come up with a saint on the spot. The name "Theresa" popped into my head and so it was. Saint Theresa was a child saint who used to keep a string of beads, one for every deed she did for God. I liked that, and I also like that she'll share a name with Mother Theresa.

Sydney Theresa Cheyne.

I'm back!

2011-07-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. We had a family vacation planned to go back home for what felt like a short trip but actually was a two week long road trip. Obviously we did not give it the weight it deserved, because C and I bought a car (to replace my now exploded MILF van) two days before we left and spent the night before frantically shoving the contents of our laundry baskets into suitcases.

The trip was awesome. The kids were rock stars. The car was great. Both the trip there and the trip back, save for a single vomit episode in the hotel, were completely unremarkable. We were able to see all the people that we wanted to back home, C and I went out TWICE without kids to events that pretty much required drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Syd got baptized in the most perfect ceremony I've ever witnessed. Eli got to go on a date with Abba and ran himself ragged with the cousins. All in all, it was a perfect trip.

Pictures will come soon. Also, my Google Reader is about eight miles long, so I've got a lot of catching up to do. It was a great trip, but it's pretty great to be home.

Buck up Cowboy

2011-06-29T20:44:00.001-07:00

I have a phrase that I use sometimes called my "Buck up Cowboy" moment. It's that moment when you tell yourself, "Self, knock this shit off. It's time to pull on your boots and kick some ass." I FINALLY had that moment this morning. I woke up still all pissy, and just decided that I was done feeling like shit and acting like a spoiled princess. Poor C has been so sweet and patient, despite the fact that I was acting like a raging bitch. Seriously, I just glared at him for two days, willing him to be as stressed out and crazy as me and resenting him for not being. Like I said, crazy.

I took off work a little early and went to look at cars. I think I found one that I like, definitely found a dealership I like, and have a Plan B in case the new car doesn't work out. I brought the kids home after school instead of running errands. We played together, hung out, and ate an actual dinner. The kids got a bath and were both in bed by 7:30. I saw a client today who is experiencing a pretty textbook depression and my work with her centered on getting back to the basics. Get up, wash your face, go to breakfast. One foot in front of the other. Consistency and predictability. That's what we all need when things get crazy. Predictability and consistency.

I'm feeling much better. The van is still parked in front of the mechanic and the kids are still loud and my house is still a wreck, but we sat down together for a spaghetti dinner and my kids both smell good and Eli and I read Animalia snuggled up on my bed before he went to sleep. Back to basics.

I used to know this girl...

2011-06-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

But then her head exploded because 1) she was crazy and 2) see number one. Seriously. I don't know how much of this I can handle. Logically, I can tell you this: My world has been very LOUD lately. Syd does this awesome screaming thing all. the. time. Eli talks constantly. At work, the women are doing a lot of psych hospital type yelling and also some verbal assaults. I forgot how desensitized you can become to being called several creative and not so creative slurs. I'd been called a bitch several times by the end of Monday. I've got a couple of cases at work that are getting attention from higher-ups, not necessarily in a good way but in a "not sure we're confident she knows what she's doing" (though I totally do) way. Though my caseload is low (thank you Summer!), the clients I have are very demanding right now. AND I have no car and no plan to remedy that situation. Also, though I totally refuse to acknowledge that it might have something to do with anything, a certain *something* came back for the first time since Syd was born, which if you count is the first appearance in over two years if you count the miscarriage before Syd.

I can say all those things logically, but I've got to say that I feel just one step away from losing it. I went back to the dealership, where I had a lovely hour with a salesman and then was given a price higher than the one yesterday! Syd, with the screaming. And if she does, by some miracle go to sleep, she's usually got one hand down my shirt like some teenage boy at his first basement party. And there's so much talking. And for the past two days I've eaten stale cupcakes for dinner. And there are lists, and lists, and lists of lists. The stupid van is still stupid and the borrowed behemoth took $25 in gas to run errands tonight. So using it for the 1800 mile road trip next week? Will. be. awesome. OH! AND one of Eli's friends mothers wrote me an "informative e-mail" suggesting that Eli hit and punched her daughter before calling her stupid and therefore causing her to never want to go to school again. Um. No. I'm the first to acknowledge that Eli's a little different and that he marches to his own beat, but I can say with at least 95% certainty that that shit didn't happen. And I can say with 100% certainty that if it did, someone would have told me about it. So back the f off, chick.

I know I'm the one responsible for my attitude, and generally I'm pretty good at staying optimistic. I hate getting in this rut because I know what I'm doing (perpetuating my frustration and ruining my overall sunny disposition) and yet I can't seem to kick myself out of it. I tried to visualize what it would be that would make me feel more settled, but I'm in such a funk that I can't even imagine something working out in my favor. This place is so pathetic, and yet, here I am.

I think my first step is going to be to throw out the cupcakes...

OMG

2011-06-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

So I FINALLY got ahold of the mechanic, who turned out not to be the mechanic but some guy who was "just cleaning up the shop." I asked when the mechanics would be back from vacation and he said "I don't know. Maybe August? Also, they asked me to call you to get your van before something bad happens to it." WTF? I cannot write that bigger. WTF!? We went and looked at new (to us) cars last night and I found a super-cute one that called to me. Low miles, great interior, awesome gas mileage, and a noticible lack of duct tape. Sporty and sassy even. People, it had reclining back seats. Can you imagine how that felt, staring down the eve of a 15 hour road trip with a five year old, to imagine that I could RECLINE HIS SEAT? And there was a plug for my iPod. Not a cassette adapter with an MP3 attachment, but an actual USB, built in. There were blades on every single wiper. Eli kept saying "Mama, can we take this one home? I love this car!" Me too, Baby. Me too. Sat down to negotiate price, which was going well, and then some stuff happened, a low price was demanded, said price was shot down, and we were escorted out quickly and efficiently. I LOVED this car and I'm still trying to figure out how I can go back while maintaining my family's dignity and my negotiating power. I don't think it's going to happen. I am seriously just one cluster-fuck away from banging my head on something.

One of those days

2011-06-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

8:00 ENTIRE family wakes up, after staying up until 11:00 last night all hopped up on cupcakes
10:00 Hustle family out the door so we can meet up with old friends for lunch. Old friends I haven't seen in ten years and who are at this moment less than an hour and a half away
11:00 Trying to get in touch with friend to tell her we'll be late, but then make up time by passing the elderly joyriders doing 50 on the highway in their convertible.
11:01 *POP* *SQUEEL*
11:01.5 Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Realize I no longer have power steering and I'm doing 60 on a mountain highway
11:02 Make it to the side of the road and see smoke pouring out of the engine. Which C quickly diagnoses as a busted hose.
11:30 Hose is fixed with a garbage bag, as for the first time ever I have no duct tape in my car.
11:31 Mention to C about the power steering. Discover there is also a loose belt with no home.
11:40 Find out AAA membership is expired, of course. Spend the rest of our cash for the week on the premium membership, since we are in the boondocks and need towed more than 5 miles. Congratulate self on not using credit cards, even though we'll have to eat Ramen and cupcakes all week.
12:00 Tow truck driver calls and says AAA called the wrong people
12:45 Find out we lost our "priority" spot due to the mistake. The boys try to throw the football on the curb without falling into a) traffic or b) the pricker bushes full of bees. Syd's eating Cheerios out of a cupholder.

1:45 Tow truck driver appears, and thankfully has enough room for all of us. Load up kids/crap/van.
2:15 C jumps out at a stop light to literally run home to get the car so he can pick me and the kids up at the mechanic
2:30 Pull into mechanic's parking lot to find a tarp across the gate spray painted "VACATION" Succinct, right? No answer at their number with an indication of how long of a vacation we're talking here. Truck driver looks around nervously and says "He'll be here pretty quick, right?" Unload kids/crap/van. Wave forlornly to the driver as he leaves.
2:35 Remember that the stroller is in the van and silently celebrate at least one thing working out today. Walk kids to burger joint down the street and let Eli eat a milkshake and fries for lunch.
3:00 C arrives, eats lunch. Talk to brother, who's got my dad's car at his place in LA. He agrees to meet us halfway so we can "borrow" it.
4:00 2 hour drive to Bakersfield.
6:00 Family reunion in the 7-11 parking lot.

I love these people.

Note how the kids are totally phoning it in though.

8:30 Home, finally. Dinner of PB&J and carrots.
9:00 Eli went to bed right after his bath, but Syd's been sleeping all day.

11:00 Finally just corral her between us in bed and hope for the best.

Party Time! Excellent!

2011-06-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today was Eli's school friend party at a local bounce house place. The only party I ever had outside of the house was at McDonalds (remember when they used to do that?) and so I wasn't sure how it was going to work out, especially given that it was a bit more than I'm used to spending for two hours of entertainment. It was TOTALLY worth it.

So proud of this kid! I looked over and he was flying down the big slide he's avoided every other time we've come here.

The joust was pretty popular. Like American Gladiators: Preschool Edition

The kids had a blast, I didn't have to clean anything, and someone else made sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. For a socially awkward control freak like myself, it was perfect. And the adults had just as much fun as the kids.

I flew right off the end of this slide. It was pretty impressive.

Pooped

2011-06-24T22:58:00.001-07:00

Edited to add that, Dude. This is one rambling post. Really. You should probably just skip over it. I'd delete it, but I'm guessing it will be really funny in a couple of weeks.

Y'all. It has been a LONG week. The kind where you wake up Wednesday morning and for a brief second you think it's Friday, but then you realize it's not and you come crashing down miserably. Except my Wednesday was on Tuesday. The unit has been especially crazy lately, lots of fighting and yelling and just overall requiring a lot more attention than usual. I'm stressed out waiting to hear about lots of different opportunities, stressed out about money (what's new, right?), and dealing with family stuff. I've got Eli's birthday party tomorrow and I'm so so excited but I needed to bake four dozen cupcakes and go to Costco for the bounce house approved snacks. And on top of that I had to take Syd to a VERY last minute doctor's appointment because she got sent home, again, for a serious of "questionable" (read, came home with no pants) diapers. Again. This thing has been going on for weeks. She thinks it might be some kind of carb sensitivity, so this weekend Syd's feasting on meat. And I get to try to retrieve stool samples. Wish me luck!

But it's good busy (mostly. I could live without the diaper stuff). I really am excited about Eli's party. Our plan is to do big parties for the milestone birthdays, and family parties for the rest. So this one is at a place with rooms full of inflatable bouncers. The kids run crazy for two hours and I have no clean-up. It's a win-win. Work is crazy, but it's also challenging me to 1) keep an eye on my mood/level of functioning, and 2) to work in such a way that suggests that I am worth the money that they pay me. Lately I've gotten sucked into complacency and I don't like that. I need to feel like I'm putting in 110%.

I am so ready to go on vacation and read a book and play with my kids with no laundry/house/dog/work/and on and on and on. It's going to be AWESOME. And I will sleep and sleep and sleep.

Five

2011-06-22T21:52:00.001-07:00

I was going to do a side-by-side of Eli as a tiny baby and now, but when he was born we didn't have a digital camera. THAT'S how long ago five years is. So instead, here are five pictures, all taken this month, that show the many sides of this crazy person I have had the incredible privilege of getting to watch turn into a truly amazing human being.

Kiddo, it drives me crazy, but I love that you are so sure of yourself and so confident that you have absolutely no problem throwing me attitude or saying exactly what's on your mind.

When you get an idea in your head, you don't let anything stop you. This water was probably 35 degrees, but you happily jumped right in so you could fish in the exact way you had imagined. And not one complaint. You would've stayed out there for hours had we let you.

There's something about you, something special. Something that there isn't quite a word for, but that makes people you meet take pause. The best way to describe it is how your teacher put it. "Eli's a kid that's going to change the world someday." You have a power, Kid. And I have to believe you know it. How else did you talk this guy into letting you climb all over his bike, and then be so happy about it that he took pictures? Kid, you stepped on the pipes. With both feet. When you're older you'll get what a big deal that was.

You are a crazy person in the best possible way. You still love to dress-up and look like (but not pretend to be. That's important. You're still Eli. Just in a costume.) superheroes, cowboys, ninjas, and occasionally Frankenstein. You would wear a costume everywhere if it was an option. I love that, and I will miss it so so very much. There's nothing quite like grocery shopping with Spiderman or hitting the movies with a ninja.

Happy Birthday Big Guy. I love you with all my heart and more than anyone else in the whole world. I hope you always remember what an awesome, unique, amazing person you are and that you are always oblivious to anyone who would dare say otherwise. I am so grateful that I get to live in your world. I can't wait to see what you're going to do.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day, C! We make really cute little monsters and

you're a amazing daddy to them.

This picture cracks me up, every single time. Rarely, if ever, do my dad and I take a quasi-flattering picture simultaneously. And the one time we do, Syd's picking her nose.

And tomorrow he'll be borrowing the car

2011-06-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you Bruno Mars

2011-06-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Scene: Tonight's bath

Actors: Mama and Eli

Eli, singing: I don't want to do aaaan-y-thing. I just want to lay in my bed. Meet a really nice girl have some really nice (mumble mumble)

Mama: What, Buddy?

Eli: Meet a really nice girl have some really nice sects. Sec. S.

Mama: Bud, I think it says "Meet a really nice girl have some really nice eggs" (please believe me please believe me please believe me)

Eli, softly: Meet a really nice girl have some really nice eggs. Meet a really nice girl has some really nice legs.

Eli, louder: No Mama. It says "Meet a really nice girl have some really nice SEX." Sex Mama. Mama, what's sex?

Mama: shitshitshitshitshitWTF. Hippy/realist internal conflict. Well Bud, when a GROWN man and woman love each other very much they take off their clothes and make a baby. Hey! What flavor cupcakes do you want?

WTF? I most certainly am not ready for that conversation. In part because, obviously, my son has an uncanny ability to repeat EVERYTHING verbatim.

1000 Words

2011-06-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

Story of my life

Seriously?

2011-06-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

So this week I already spent a whole day addressing the issue of "poo" and it's role in a mental health environment. Despite all the wackiness on my unit, that's not typical. Usually it's a lot more angst and not quite so many bodily fluids. And yet. Today was just as crazy, if not more.

I was caught in the blow-back of a pepper spray incident. The officers occasionally have to use pepper spray when a situation is getting dangerous and the inmate isn't responding to direct orders ("STOP!" "Get down!" etc.) It's pretty concentrated, but if it does get sprayed you can definitely feel it. Usually I'm able to book it when I see that a situation is getting to that point, but I missed it today. And that stuff SUCKS. It feels like you're breathing hundreds of teeny tiny knives that get stuck in your throat. You cough but it does nothing. And the poor women who were sitting too close and actually got sprayed.

I had to go talk to the woman who had been sprayed, to make sure she was safe to be let back out. She was in the shower, rinsing off the spray, which means I got to talk to a soaking wet, naked woman about why she shouldn't throw things at other people.

I got a call a few minutes before I was supposed to leave that one of my new clients was screaming in her cell. I'd just met with her this morning and we seemed to make a connection. By the time I got over to the unit she was in the shower, soaking wet (I'm seeing a theme), banging her head and screaming like Linda Blair.

Two hours later I finally left the office and picked up the kids. In the car on the way home, I heard a tell-tale gurgle, and in my rearview mirror witnessed poor Syd puking her guts out, only she had so little energy behind it it was more like a slow leak. I pulled over, assessed the situation, cursed myself for cleaning out the car so well, and apologized profusely to my poor baby who now had to ride home in vomit.

I'm really hoping the rest of the weekend is less drippy.

Poo

2011-06-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

So I had this whole post drafted in my head about how working in a women's prison is exactly like working with high school kids. They're cliquey and angsty and self-centered. Trends pop up in seconds (eg braids, threading, stuffed animals made out of towels and t-shirts, snorting coffee) and die out twice as fast. Authority figures are "obviously" clueless, spiteful, or just stupid. Insecurity is hidden behind judgement and mocking. They prey on the weak, disregard rules, and are quick to burst into tears. In short, it's Mean Girls with more tattoos and fewer shots of the mall. At first it was hard for me, since high school was one of my less-than-finer moments. If you have any buttons, they will find it and push it. Over and over and over and over. This week alone I have talked on and on about my propensity for cardigans, "why are your arms red?," "why do you smell like that (good and bad)?" "why do you roll your eyes? (I wonder...)" and a myriad of personal questions, "why don't you..."s, and "you never...!"s. That's what I was *going* to write about.

But then today I spent all. freaking. day. talking about shit. "Fecal matter." Poop. Who had it. Why they had it. What they were doing with it and who may have witnessed said acts. I heard the most bizarre statements coming out of my mouth. Statements like "Is it hard to poo in a can?" "I think it's called a 'Dirty Sanchez'""Where'd you keep it?" and (brace yourself) "What did it taste like?" This doctor thing is glamorous, I'm telling you.

So yeah, prison. A lot like high school. Except for the shit.

Feeling better

2011-06-05T21:14:00.001-07:00

So the whole "home" thing has still been marinating and, if I'm being quite honest, has been making me a bit crazy. I have no interest in finding another job, but I also don't want to live somewhere where we don't feel like we belong. Also, my head explodes if I don't have some sort of stress-out every six months. But still, I've been desperate to find something that made this place special. C had a rare weekend off this weekend, and we had big plans to go camping for the first time in a couple of years. So of course we woke up yesterday to pouring rain and a forecast of more. So I hit the internet to find something we could all do, and there was nothing. NOTHING. The best I could do was a library sale. But we left the house, and it turned out to be a great day. Bunch of books, delicious onion rings, and a yummy dinner. Today I woke up to sunshine, and breakfast, at 8:00 (OMG! The last time that happened was 2007) and feeling pretty optimistic. We loaded up the kids and headed for the mountains. It was awesome, and tonight I'm feeling much more content.

C and I have been talking about buying our first house (pretty sure that's where the freak-out came from). Now we're thinking that maybe we're not as tied to the city as we thought. It's opened up a lot of options for sure. We're still probably about a year away (need to pay down some debt, put away a down payment, make some big-ish decisions, etc.) but I'm feeling both excited and motivated, which means that hopefully we'll actually start moving forward. It's such a weird thought, given our nomadic nature over the last ten years. It could be fun...

That's a new one

2011-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Eli and I played hooky yesterday after his 5 year (!) check-up (BTW, he's practically perfect in every way. Of course.) In the car on the way to lunch he tells me, from the back seat, "Mama, I have a trick. I can talk without moving my lips or whispering!" Then I see a look of sheer concentration on his face. I ask him, "Buddy, are you trying to talk with your brain?" He lights up and says "YES!" Laughing, I tell him how awesome he is, because really, whose kid says shit like that? Then he goes on to explain, "I was talking with my brain. My testicles were talking to my brain!" And then I lose it. Uncontrollable laughing. Then he asks for clarification about what exactly his testicles are. I tell him where they are (using totally appropriate and accurate terminology, thankyouverymuch) and he says, "Well then, my testicles should talk to my BUTT instead of my BRAIN." So many jokes. So little comprehension.

It may be time to go shopping...

2011-05-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

Buying myself new clothes is always pretty low on my financial priority list, and doubly so when I'm not exactly shopping for a number that makes me feel "MILFish" (totally coining a new word). On top of all that, I'm still trying to figure out how to dress cute but still be age appropriate. I DO NOT want to be that grandma wearing the "JUICY" sweatsuit. So all that to say, I have a limited number of cute outfits.

Today we had a birthday party to go to with some of the kids from daycare. Those moms are cute. They all work out, "They run and it shows..." (name that quote), their clothes are cute, and I've never seen one with snot "oh no, that's banana!" on their shoulder. So I wore one of my cute outfits. Skinny jeans that are too long, so I roll them to capri length. A drop-waist shirt that hides the pooch but shows the girls. Funky gladiator type sandals. So imagine my joy when, while at Target for the last-minute gift bag run, a woman stops me to tell me how cute I look. *Grin* + Sisterhood = Happy me. Then she tells me "I have that exact same blouse! I love it!" Yep. She said "blouse." Because she was 85. So that's a fail on "MILFish" and a fail on age appropriateness. Though I looked pretty cute for a geriatric.

These two

2011-05-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

One of the coolest things these days is seeing Eli and Sydney playing together. It's an unexpected perk of having two kids, and seeing them together makes my heart swell.

Walking together

Negotiating potholes

Giant fish

Birthday kisses

First step, ever!

Home

2011-05-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here feeling a bit homesick, which as I thought about it got a little muddier. Where exactly was I sick for?

Colorado? I was born and raised in the mountains, and there are moments when we go back that I feel so completely and utterly at ease that I'm tempted to pack us up and build a yurt in the middle of nowhere. The mountains, the sky, deer and cougars and bears and skunks...The near-perfect weather. I miss snow and 300+ days of sunshine. I miss skiing and hiking ten minutes from home. I miss "Colorado time" where "7:00" meant anywhere between 6:30 and 8:00. I miss seeing more pick-ups than minivans and knowing that every truck was a 4WD. I miss family.

Portland? I was meant to live in Portland. I want to put a bird on everything I own. In Portland I walked down the street like I owned the place. The best way I can describe it is that I knew how to be in Portland. I felt like we fit in, I knew where to find my village. I love the art, the weirdness, the family that we created and imported in Oregon. I miss the shared misery in March at yet another rainy day and the joy that fills the air when the sun breaks through. I miss the expectation that you recycle, reuse, and "reduce your footprint." I miss restaurants that advertise gluten-free, octo-vegan, pescatarian, locavore... I miss coffee shops and people watching and public transportation.

Minnesota? I miss our friends. I miss the down-home, basic values. I miss the expectation that of course you are a mom. I miss the malls (weird as that sounds). I miss cheese curds and state fairs and ren faires. I miss Minnesota Nice, Viking nation, and the feeling of accomplishment after you survive another sub-zero day.

We are home. We intend to be here awhile, and it's really starting to grow on me, but I'm having a hard time finding the little things I would miss. I've tried talking to people who've lived here awhile, but I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for. There's a huge market that I like, and I love that we're so close to amazing forests and beautiful coast towns, but I haven't really found my niche here. I know it's somewhere, but for the life of me it continues to be elusive. I don't want to sound pouty, but rather I'm just noticing what an unusual feeling it is to not feel like I'm "clicking" here. It'll happen. I'm sure of it. I just can't picture where or what it'll be. And I can't really figure out what's missing. Our friends are awesome, the school is great, I love my job and C is working on getting into school. But I don't have a place where I have that settled feeling, a place I want to go to every weekend. A place that calls me when I start to feel disconnected. A place where I feel like I get it. Though I have this, and this works too. I guess these crazy people will have to do.

Sleep schedules

2011-05-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

7:00 Me: "Eli! Fifteen minutes before bed!"

7:15 Me: Totally distracted by something shiny or colorful

7:45 Me: "Eli! Ten minutes!"

8:00 Reading Eli's story

8:02 Tuck Eli in

8:05 Send Eli back to bed

8:11 Send Eli back to bed

8:12 C is asleep on the couch

8:15, 8:17, 8:26 Send Eli back to bed

8:35 I and a strangely wired Syd clean out the car and install the FORWARD FACING carseat (OMG MY BABY MY BABY!). At some point C gets in bed with Eli

9:20 Rock Syd to sleep

9:35 Got distracted by God-knows what on TV. Put Syd down in her crib.

9:36 Come back from the bathroom to find Syd in bed with C.

9:37 Give up. Facebook.

10:35 Go to bed

2:25 Wake up to Eli confessing that he had an accident

2:27 Realize he meant, in your bed

2:28 Discover that you are soaking wet, and there's a spot on the bed bigger than he is

2:40 After changing you both and warning C about Lake Pissedonivus, climb into Eli's bed.

2:50 Try unsuccessfully to convince Eli this isn't a "Super Awesome Slumber Party and for the love of God please go back to sleep."

3:12 C wakes me up to tell me Syd is "looking for me." Take both kids back to the big bed. C settles into the guest bed.

3:15 Debate whether you can sleep with Syd banging on your face. Decide to try.

5:00 Alarm goes off. Get C, to play human bedrail, and get ready for work. Calculate that you've already been up for eleventy million hours.

6:00 Coffee

6:30 Coffee

7:00 Coffee

Babies in swimsuits

2011-05-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

Birthday. Part 2.

2011-05-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

Though Syd's birthday was on Tuesday, we threw a little party for her today. I am of the opinion that the first birthday is more for the parents, so it was mostly adults drinking beer (and jello shots) and appreciating Syd's over-the-top adorableness. The kids who did come were equally adorable, so the entire day was sugary sweet.

She held court in her highchair for nearly the entire party. While up there, she ate almost this entire bowl of watermelon slices. Plus 4 cupcakes.

Crazy monkeys indeed.

I had a brief moment of freak out about how much time and money we put into this party, but we're only doing parties for the kids "milestone" birthdays (1st, 5th, 10th, etc.), so it all evens out. I'll admit, it was a bit over-the-top. I channeled Martha and made homemade garlands (to be featured soon). The cupcakes were from a box but had the icing piped on. No smearing for my little girl! And thanks to my totally irrational fear of running out, we ended up with a fridge full of food, a lot of extra beer, and a living room full of balloons. Afterwards it felt like the time flew and I regretted not having more time to spend with each person, who I realized have become our village here. There were lots of different people, all mixed together, blowing bubbles and attempting to hula hoop. It was a perfect celebration of our little girl, our family, and our new life here.

Birthday Girl

2011-05-17T16:00:00.001-07:00

She has a party for this weekend, but I took her to get a celebratory cupcake today. Which she inhaled. And then ate the wrapper too. Her teachers wrote her a very sweet card that reinforced my nearly unrestrainable love for her daycare. And C and I have a date tonight for our anniversary. What a wonderful day!